The Hanai

A year ago in October the BIB Team had the opportunity to spend some time with our VERY FIRST birth mom that joined the Big Tough Girl Community...We loved Kristina and her family so much.  They invited to stay in their home, we went and got our toes done and we spent some of the last precious days of Kristina's pregnancy with her.  It was one of the most memorable weekends of my life.  To watch her prepare for the days ahead, wishing that I could save her from some of the pain that was coming...seeing how brave she was and how willing she was to share her story with us was so amazing.  One thing that touched us so much was the love of her family.  I see so many birth moms that go through so much of this process alone but Kristina was surrounded by family that loved her and encouraged her and supported her.  Her mother was one of the most generous women that I have ever met, a woman of true integrity and virtue, with faith and a testimony that could not be shaken...even in the darkest of times.  {you can read about our trip to Arizona HERE}

I received an amazing email from Dru sharing her thoughts of the past year watching her birth-grandbaby grow up around her and shared her incredible testimony that she wrote not long after the baby was placed.  She has given BIB permission to share it!  We love their family so much and are so touched by all of their updates!  We love Kristina and she will always be a VERY special part of the BIB Family! 

{This is so incredible and I love her for allowing me to share it!}


Dear Family and Friends,

One year ago (November 1st) marked the day my daughter gave birth to and gave her baby to another family to be adopted. I haven’t said much about the situation, and I thought that there really wasn’t anything to be said. But a conversation with someone this last week made me realize that I had taken for granted that the peace I came to about this situation was universal…or understood by those closest to me. But it is not.
My daughter’s baby was adopted by a family in our ward. Our family was already very close to theirs. They had adopted their first two children, and my daughters were their sitters but the two children considered them more as big sisters. A string of spiritual confirmations accompanied this event which someday may be appropriate to share. Neither family thought we would ever be in the situation we now found ourselves…they having direct contact with the birth mother/family and we watching someone else raise our child/grandchild.
I came across a testimony that I had written shortly after the baby’s birth. I have chosen to share it in hopes that it will communicate understanding and peace even if your experiences have not been the same as mine.
Aloha,

The Hanai

Ida Drucilla Heaton

November 2010

“We must not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we began and to know the place for the first time.” For me, these words penned by T.S. Eliot describe an insight I’ve gained on the nature and eternal life of a family. I desire to state my testimony on this matter. At times, I will speak directly to members of my own family and to members of my own faith and ask you to consider, and perhaps, even reconsider your beliefs.

The maxim which states that we shouldn’t judge another until we have walked a mile in their shoes, I believe, doesn’t suggest our ability to do so but serves to illustrate the impossibility of such a thing. The truth is that we cannot walk a mile in anyone’s shoes and, therefore, it is less about the footwear and more about who walks that mile with us.1

It would be incorrect for anyone to extract from this description of my experience over the last nine months and more especially over the last few days any idea that I believe every young single woman should give their baby up for adoption. I believe that God is the perfect teacher, and a curriculum of life experiences is designed uniquely for each one of His children. No matter the subject, the aim and end of our education is to know Him and Jesus Christ whom He has sent.2 Why or how we arrive at that conclusion is as different as each person. The only desire I had for my daughter throughout this process (which is the same that I have for all of my children) is to know that God is real, that He lives and loves her, and to experience that peace which passes all understanding3 through an intimate relationship with Him.4

It isn’t my place to relate my daughter Kristina’s adoption story. That is for her and others to tell. But I feel impressed to address some simple questions directed to me about this event which is impossible to do without first sharing something of myself and of the cultural influence of my mother who shaped me. My mother is partially of Hawaiian ancestry. She grew up in Honolulu, Hawaii on an island influenced by warrior chiefs and royal kings. The most profound impact in my life carved out by my mother’s culture is the Polynesian bond of family.

Even as I attempt to describe it, it remains impossible to explain to people who have never experienced it. It’s somewhat of a joke that to Polynesians everyone is an uncle or an aunty; and it’s true. You can meet someone for the first time and you greet them with a hug and a kiss and you call them “Aunty” or “Uncle” from that moment forward. But although Polynesians give this intimate title rather easily, they do not give it lightly; at least, my mother never did. I was full grown before I came to realize that many of the people I was taught to honor, to respect, and to love (to which I referred in this special way) were not my blood relatives. It was impossible to tell. Likewise, the concept of half-sister or step-brother didn’t exist in my family either, although many people would insist this to be the proper vocabulary to describe my sibling relationships. Understand if you can, it wasn’t merely the absence of the words; it was the banishment of the very idea. Family. O’hana.

Years ago, long before the idea of adoption was any part of my personal experience, I remember reading the autobiography of Queen Lili’uokalani and was emotionally struck at the description of her birth. The Hawaiian custom of hanai fascinated and resonated with me at the same time. It explained, as much as possible, the bond that my mother perpetuated -a bond greater than blood and one that even transcended prejudice. Hanai was the practice of adopting children away from their natural parents at birth. It was thought to cement the relationships of rival chiefs and showed the most profound respect. By natural birth, Lili’uokalani, was already alii, of the royal class, but her position was elevated through the adoption. This exchange was not the plight of a single woman with-child out of wedlock nor did it involve a feeling of desperation at an unexpected pregnancy. This practice was a deliberate act of peace and the ultimate expression of trust. The thought still makes me pause.

In her own words, Lili’uokalani, describes the circumstance surrounding her birth and upbringing:

“As was then customary with the Hawaiian chiefs,

my father was surrounded by hundreds of his own people,

all of whom looked to him, and never in vain, for sustenance…

“But I was destined to grow up away from the house of my parents. Immediately after my birth I was wrapped in the finest tapa cloth,

and taken to the house of another chief, by whom I was adopted.

Konia, my foster-mother, was a granddaughter of Kamehameha I.,

and was married to Paki, also a high chief; their only daughter,

Bernice Pauahi…was therefore my foster-sister. In speaking of our relationship, I have adopted the term customarily used in the

English language, but there was no such modification recognized

in my native land. I knew no other father or mother than my

foster-parents, no other sister than Bernice. I used to climb up

on the knees of Paki, put my arm around his neck, kiss him,

and he caressed me as a father would his child; while on the contrary,

when I met my own parents, it was with perhaps more of interest,

yet always with the demeanor I would have shown to any strangers

who noticed me…This was, and indeed is, in accordance with

Hawaiian customs. It is not easy to explain its origin to those

alien to our national life, but it seems perfectly natural to us.

As intelligible a reason as can be given is that this alliance by

adoption cemented the ties of friendship between the chiefs.

It spread to the common people, and it has doubtless fostered

a community of interest and harmony.”5

I feel the adoption of my granddaughter allows this sweet baby girl to be brought up in a family relationship where a father and a mother are not only committed to each other but have committed each other and their children, through the sealing ordinance and their covenants, to God. How can that be anything but the greatest of blessings to me? Additionally, it is miraculous to consider that this hanai has not only fulfilled the righteous desires of a family for a child but it has allowed us (the families involved) to witness the eternal connection that we, the Holmes and the Heatons, already have to each other in God’s eyes.

I think it is only natural for people to focus on what they see as a loss –my daughter’s loss of a child and my loss of a grandchild. For many “Mormons,” this idea is compounded in the doctrine that families can be sealed together for eternity. Eventually, this child will be sealed to another family. This would seem to elevate this event to tragic proportions because according to this thinking I have not only lost my granddaughter for time but for all eternity. I testify that this is not so. Looking through a glass darkly6 in that way, the beautiful ordinance of the sealing is misunderstood. To consider this circumstance as a loss is to conclude that the sealing power is exclusive in nature –that family not this family…their family not my family…yours not mine. With all my heart, I believe this idea is contrary to the teachings of Christ.7 To say that in temples families can be sealed together forever is true; however, it is ironically eternally shortsighted. In our relationships, we are commanded to love God first and then our fellow man -to view them like unto ourselves. There are no greater commandments than these, and every other aspect of the gospel rests upon this foundation.8 The opportunity to be sealed to our immediate and most intimate relationships on earth is merely a reflection of a much greater structure in eternal life. From God’s perspective, in the temple, His family is sealed to Him. From His perspective, the sealing power is inclusive in nature. As we ourselves adopt this perspective, we come to see that through Christ we are, if we keep our covenants, sealed just as much to the rest of mankind and to God as we are to our closest family members.

Finally, I feel impressed to share something as it relates to our parent/child relationships. Years ago, now decades, in the blindness of anger and immaturity, I remember complaining to God that all my struggles and mistakes were the result of my faulty upbringing -my parents, especially my mother. It was their fault I argued. They should have known better, “I’m the child!” After all, “they are the parents!” God answered me as He has so often in my life speaking to my mind. The words to a primary song began to play in my mind, “I am a child of God…”9 Yes, I thought. That’s right. But then something happened I wasn’t expecting. I could hear my mother singing, “I am a child of God…and He has sent me here…” The thought startled me; my mother … a child… a child of God? Of course, I knew this was true, but for the first time I saw my mother as a child like myself. My mother is my heavenly sister. In an instant, the anger was washed away in a flood of compassion for my sister who, like me, was doing her best as she traveled the journey of life. I try often to remember that our children are born more through us than to us. Far from positions of entitlement, the labels “mother” and “father” are a sacred stewardship and the opportunity for scholarship in lessons God can teach us no other way.

Uniquely prepared by my mother’s cultural influence, and even since her passing, I find that she continues to teach me, lead me, and guide me to embrace great joys in this life and hope, through Christ, in the life to come. Through her I have gained an eternal glimpse at the encompassing aspect of acceptance, understanding, and an expanded sense of family -even a more intimate connection with my fellow man. In the end, through this exploration I have come to see the bond of family again and again and again and again, for the first time.

References

1. “Footprints,” Margaret Fishback Powers

2. John 17:3

3. Philippians 4:7

4. Revelations 21:3-7

5. Hawai’i’s Story by Hawai’i’s Queen, Lili’uokalani, pages 3-4.

6. 1 Corinthians 13

7. Matthew 12:50, Luke 11:27-28, Moses 7:18

8. Matthew 22:36-40

9. “I Am a Child of God,” Children’s Songbook, pages 2-3.

Dru and Kristina-November 2010

Last minute Pedicures

Another Big Tough Girl shares her story!

I received such a humbling email yesterday that brought tears to my eyes...it was from a birth mom that wanted to send another birth mom that is about to place a basket....not because she knows her, not because they are bff's but because she KNOWS what a birth mom goes through and she wanted to try and bring some peace and comfort to another....and hopefully find some for herself.  I am so honored and humbled every single day to be working with such amazing, strong, supportive and beautiful women! 

I asked if I could share her story and she let me have it!...all 500 parts!  hahaha!  Just kidding...it is not that long but totally worth the read!  Thank you Kelsey for your strength and for your amazing and giving heart!  She also gave BIB a great shout-out on her blog and we REALLY appreciate it...her Big Tough Girl shirt is on the way for her to rock around town with pride!  WE LOVE YOU!  All birth moms...be sure to find Kelsey and give her a big hug!! 

Here is her story!  {this is the intro..the other parts are linked at the end of the post.}

My Story: Intro and the Characters

I’ve never really ‘blogged’ before (you know besides reblogging a bunch of pictures of my favorite tv shows) but I’ve always had a passion for writing and after some recent events in my life, it motivated me to pick up my pen again metaphorically speaking. My name is Kelsey, I’m twenty years old and I chose to give my son up for adoption. It was the hardest decision of my life and I’m struggling day to day to cope with it. I thought about waiting a few months before starting to write this, but after sitting alone day after day in my boyfriend’s apartment while he’s at school, I needed something to do with myself and put use to all the thoughts in my head. Maybe someone else who going through the same thing will find this helpful and have an idea what to expect when going through an adoption because I sure as hell don’t. Before I really get into the nitty gritty, I will say that the names of my son, and his adopted parents are going to be changed just because they don’t know I’m writing this and I’m not comfortable giving out their information like that. I contemplated changing my own name, my boyfriends and various family members who will no doubt appear while I’m writing this, but I decided against it. I haven’t told anyone besides immediate family and my best friend about my son but I’m not ashamed so everything will be kept the same. And I figured it would be easier to give a quick rundown of who I am, and who everyone is before I really get into it. Trust me, it’s easier that way. There’s a lot of people involved and a reference sheet will help anyone (if anyone decides to read this) who comes across my little blog.



Kelsey- Me, obviously. I’m a twenty year old, living in Pennsylvania. I’m the youngest out of four older sisters, and an aunt to eight nieces and nephews total. I’ve been struggling with what I want to do with my life since dropping out of beauty school this past winter. I like to think I’m a pretty funny human being who’s too introverted for my own good. The main reason I started this blog is because I have serious communication issues (among other things) and I think getting it all out, even in the form of writing will allow me to be more open with the people who matter.


Zachary- My boyfriend, and baby’s daddy if you will. He’s nineteen and in his last year of school. We’ve been together for almost four years but we’ve known and been best friends since we were about twelve. Even though he’s probably one of the most infuriating human beings I’ve ever encountered in my life, Zakk has stuck by me when no one else has. I may not always paint him in a good light, but he’s honestly one of the most amazing, and caring people I’ve ever met. We’ve been through a lot and we certainly haven’t had the easiest road (he has the worst bad luck ever so I don’t think it will ever really be easy) but ultimately we love each other and this experience has definitely brought us even closer.


Matthew- A beautiful baby boy born on October 13th, 2011. Through a lot of weird circumstances and a little bit of denial on my part, we didn’t even know how far along I was until we went to the hospital and I went into labor that night. Yeah, I was almost an episode of I didn’t know I was pregnant. We chose not to see Matthew until he left with his adopted parents but from the little bit of time we spent with him and the pictures we’ve already gotten, he’s going to be one handsome little dude. And even though we didn’t get the chance to really bond with him, we love him so much.


David and Rachel- Matthew’s adopted parents. Since we didn’t really know about the baby, we didn’t get the chance to really get to know David and Rachel on a deep level. We had one day to go through a huge book of potential parents, and we thought we had found the couple we wanted when we flipped to the back of the binder and we saw their book. We didn’t even fully read it and we narrowed it down to the final two couples, and they were one of them. After reading through their book, me and Zach were really reminded of ourselves with their goofy pictures and love of pugs. They were essentially where me and Zach wanted to be when we were in our thirties. We met them for the first time the day me and Matthew were discharged. Even though they didn’t have too, they brought us gifts and we felt really comfortable like we had known them the whole time. Not to mention, they are totally the cutest couple ever. We’ve only exchanged one letter so far, but I can tell we are going to have a really great relationship with them.


Sandra- Aka my mom. We’ve always been pretty close, and even though we didn’t have the “I tell you everything” kind of relationship, we have always had a good relationship. She hasn’t really had much time to adjust to the idea of adoption, and considering all my other sisters kept their children when they had them young, she still hasn’t come to terms with my decision. Since leaving the hospital, I’ve been staying with Zakk and because of some fights during the stay at the hospital, she hasn’t exactly been on board, or really even want me around for the matter.


Sue- Zakk’s mom. She was the first person to arrive at the hospital, and the first person who we told about the baby. She’s been a really great support system and one that I wasn’t really expecting. She stayed with us while we were at the hospital, and she was really great about calming me down after talking to my mom.


Jess- My oldest sister. We aren’t really close since she’s been in and out of my life for as long as I can remember. She’s a drug addict and in one of her phases of being clean for the moment. Because of her drug abuse, I find it really hard to respect her since she has three sons and doesn’t take care of any of them. She is constantly leaving without telling anyone for months at a time and then randomly pops back into our lives. Her oldest sons live with my mother, and they are sixteen and fifteen. Her youngest boy was adopted by my other sister. I love her because she is my sister, but other then that, I don’t really have any feelings towards her.


Andie- My second oldest sister, and the one who I’m the closest with. She’s super invasive, and nosy. Even though it drives me crazy, and we fight because of that, she really is my favorite sister. I know she doesn’t agree with my decision to give Matthew up for adoption but she at least supports me and is constantly checking in with me to make sure I’m okay. She adopted Jess’s youngest son after she ran off, and I really thought because of that she would be more understanding of our reasoning for adoption, and it has certainly helped, I know she wants me to go back on the adoption and take Matthew back. She has three other daughters along with adopting my other nephew.


Sam- My sister who I’m closest to in age. She’s a bit mentally unstable, if I say so myself. We aren’t the closest, and I don’t think we ever will be. She hasn’t really said much in regards to the adoption which I’m thankful for, but like everyone else in my family, she doesn’t think I should have gone through with it. We don’t talk much, mostly because I hate her husband and she only tries to talk to me when she wants something.


Steve- Zakk’s dad. And as it would be, his family is a lot more supportive then my own. Even though he was the last to know, he has been really great with helping us out. He filled all my prescriptions for me since I don’t have health insurance and is always offering to buy me and Zakk groceries since we both aren’t working at the moment.


Bonnie- Zakk’s step mom. She’s been really cool about the adoption too, even though she’s kind of a bitch otherwise. But none the less, she’s helped out a lot and I’m really thankful for that.


Like I said, lots of people. And this is all I can think of off the top of my head. But I think that’s everyone immediately involved. I’m not sure how often I’ll be updating this blog, probably every other day or so. Maybe more since this just happened and I still have a lot of feelings regarding it. Not to mention, I’m still six weeks postpartum and since I can’t work, drive, or do anything (I had a c-section and they don’t even want to to exercise until the six weeks is over. boo) I have a lot of free time hanging around Zakk’s apartment which means I have a lot of time to write. I hope that writing and blogging about my experience will not only help me to cope but maybe help someone else going through the same thing. I’d love to be able to talk to other birth moms, birth dads, or anyone who is considering adoption. Hell, even if your not considering adoption and just need someone to talk to, I’m here for anyone who needs it.


Next blog post will actually go into detail about how me and Zakk found out about the pregnancy (which is certainly an amusing story, I’ll tell you that much) and just the beginning of our story.

Next-Humble Beginnings
Next- My Story: Part Two

Read on my friends...it is a great story and very well written!  Thank you again Kelsey for being so willing to share with all of us!  It doesn't matter how many years go by...I am ALWAYS brought to tears when I read a new birth mom story...we truly are Big Tough Girls! 

Prepare Now

I was so excited to receive the book "Prepare Now for the Temple" written by the incredible and sweet Brittany Mangus. She is so amazing and I was so thrilled when she sent me a copy to read. I am excited to share it with all of you. I know we cater alot to the LDS community but we are not limited and are excited to have birthmoms of all walks of life join us.....there are some incredible things in this book that apply TO ALL women that are trying to better their lives and situations!...it will give you great perspective, answer questions, clear up misconceptions and help you be prepared! I have read many books and taken many temple prep classes as I have prepared for my own journey with the temple over the years and I can tell you...this book SPOKE to me, not AT ME...it was clear and spoke on a level that I could understand and she didn't try and "hide" things from me...Brittany has a great love and passion for what she loves and believes in and you could feel that in her book-she was open and honest and really cares about all those that read her book.

Brittany's book is a very detailed outline of what you should prepare for, the do's and don'ts, and answers a lot of misconceptions that people have about the temple...like what you do when you are there, who is allowed to join you, what you can where etc. She also gives some great tips on preparing for your wedding and very simple check lists about what you need to do in preparation.

Thank you Brittany for sharing this book with Blessings in a Basket. It was an incredible help and a great comfort for me, even in the stage in my life that I am.

If you are interested in ordering a copy of Brittany's book you can order it from Amazon today!

ORDER HERE

It is worth it...how do you put a price on eternity!

Living the Life you Imagine!

Before you read April's post I just wanted to tell her how much I love her and how touched I was by this post...she is so sweet and strong and amazing. We are so lucky to have her working with BIB and I love her so much!!! Thank you April...you deserve EVERYTHING that is happening to you..embrace it, enjoy it.....xoxoxo- Ashley







I was honored to be with Ashley, Todd, and their family for the birth mom event at LDSFS in Mesa. It was awesome to be with all of the birth moms/potential birth moms. I was hanging on every word that Todd and Ashley had to say. I believe I lost count on how many times Ashley made me cry. She is an amazing woman and such an inspiration/support to so many. Ashley, as I sat there and listened to your story I had no idea just how much you and I have in common. It is truly unbelievable. Ashley’s story is indicative of how we can live the life we imagine. Twelve years ago when I placed my son for adoption I had no idea things could be as good for me as they are now. At that time I focused on what was best for my son. Recently I have focused on what I want. I just graduated college with a Social Work degree and in two months I am getting married in the Temple. I thought things like this happen to other people but not to me. The point is that it can happen. Now is the time to focus on the life YOU imagine. Figure out what you want and go get it. Do not be discouraged if it doesn’t happen immediately either. Here I am 12 years later and everything is happening all at once. I struggled when I didn’t get married and succeed in college right after placing my son. Stay focused and enjoy getting there. Now I am going to be focusing my time not just on me but also on my marriage and on my career as a Social Worker. Enjoy the ride Big Tough Girls!! Thank you all!










This post was done by April Morgan

We Love Our Mothers!!

Today is a very special day...one of my very favorite days of the year because it gives me a chance to honor the women that I think are the most amazing!!.....THE MOTHERS! We have a very special post for you today..we have opened up our post to allow you to honor your mother figures in your own life...along with sharing ours!

Enjoy all the love that is here today for EACH of you and have a beautiful, wonderful Mother's Day!....celebrate....YOU ARE A MOTHER!

Happy Mother's Day from Heather Hatch

"My mother Terri Warner is an amazing woman, she has always been a great example to me and a great support in my decision for adoption. I know it wasn't any easy thing for her to watch her own daughter place her daughter and first grandchild for adoption, but she has always shown me so much love and support. She has been a single mother since I was 3 years old, 24 years she has raised 3 girls by herself and has always been a wonderful example of strength. I couldnt ask for a better mother than her."

Happy Mother's Day from Michelle DeLatour

"As we attend more and more family celebrations or activities for our nieces and nephews, I start to get a little sad. I wonder when it will be that we are able to attend events for our own child. I wonder if we will have orchestra recitals or t-ball games or graduations that we will be inviting other people to attend. I wonder if we will be able to have photo albums filled with pictures of a child or children that belong to us. And, as Mother’s Day approaches every year, my sadness seems to grow infinitely. I would have thought I would have been a mom by now.
This spring was especially difficult with the passing of my grandmother. When someone passes away, it makes you think about life. It makes you think about their life, your life, the past and the future.

But, it was during this very difficult time for our family that I realized how much of an influence my mother has had on my life. Unfortunately, my mom was on vacation while my grandmother passed away. So, my sisters and I took on my mom’s responsibilities in my grandmother’s last hours. I don't think we even thought about - we just did it. At the wake and funeral, everyone kept telling my mom how proud she should be of her 3 girls.

What ran through my mind during those couple of days was "what would mom do". That is actually what’s always been in the back of my mind for the majority of my life. When I was little, I used to tell her that I could hear her voice in the back of my head... especially when I was attempting to do something wrong.

My mom taught my sisters and me so many things - too many to list all of them. But here are a few of them... We learned to share. We learned to say our prayers at night. We learned to greet everyone who came to our house (there was no hiding up in our rooms). We learned to say please and thank you. We learned that family comes first. We learned to respect our elders. And we learned that things would not be handed to us in life – that we needed to work hard for what we wanted. She taught me to sew and to cook. And she taught us to have "Faith, Courage and Enthusiasm" when things got tough.

So, it was with great "Faith, Courage and Enthusiasm" that I have jumped into this world of adoption. Since I won’t be able to pass my brown eyes or my curly hair down to our child, it will be the things I learned from my mother that I will pass down and teach our child. I just hope that I will be half as good of a mom as my mom was to me.

Happy Mother’s Day to my mother and all the mothers, birth mothers, and hope-to-be-moms out there! "

Happy Mother's Day from Julie Christensen Choate

"My own WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL Mother has always been a HUGE support for me & my decision to give my Allie to a WONDERFUL, LOVING Family more deserving of her & more able to provide for her the life I could not...
This Tribute goes out to my momma, Jill Christensen, & her unconditional love thruout my trying life! And, to Allie's momma, Marsha Williams, who has -in her own special way- given Allie back to me with tht same unconditional love. I LOVE YOU! "

Happy Mother's Day from Ashley Mitchell

"I feel so lucky on Mother's Day because I get to celebrate it in more way than one..and I get to honor more than one mother on this amazing day! First, I want to tell myself Happy Mother's Day...I know that sounds crazy but I am a mother and a birthmother and I am very proud of that..and I deserve a little pampering today!

I also get to tell my own mother Happy Mother's Day! I can't say enough about my mother, Carol. She has been so amazing my whole life. She has stood by me, prayed for me, supported me and has had faith in me! I would not be here if it were not for her and her strength...she is my best friend and I love her so much!

I also get to tell the incredible and wonderful mother that adopted my dear son Happy Mother's Day! I can't even put into words how I feel about her...she is the woman that saved me and my son...she gave me life and a chance..she unselfishly took my son to raise as her own..she is one of the most amazing women that I know and I am honored to be forever connected to her! "

{look at my cutie on the front row}

Blessings in a Basket is so so honored to be sharing this next message of love from an amazing adoptive family!

Happy Mother's Day from Brandon and Corrine

"I wouldn't be a Mother without Our daughter's Birthmom, Kara! She made us a family 5 years ago and life has been incredible ever since. There is not enough said about Birthmoms On Mother's Day and i do not like Birth moms day being separate from it- YOU ARE MOMS REGARDLESS of placement- YOU DESERVE ALL THE CREDIT LOVE AND ADMIRATION on MOTHER'S DAY too!

Now, On This Mother's Day, I'm happy to announce that after 2.9 years of waiting and searching, we will be PARENTS again b/c of a Miraculous Birthmom, Jessica! We met her last weekend and our worlds changed forever!
We know she was led to us and we started praying for OUR BIRTHMOM months ago- without even knowing who she was or how she would come into our family!

So... to All Birthmoms( and Moms too)... Words will never be able to express your selfless love for your children! We are divinely blessed forever b/c of your choices! Our Combined (BM's and AP's) choices will effect these tiny humans who will be raised to become outstanding individuals b/c of both our efforts! The Core of Adoption is LOVE!
We love you all- And I mean it- I've never met someone in adoption that i have not grown a friendship with! Thanks is not enough- but, it will have to do!
http://brandonandcorrine.blogspot.com/

~Corrine & Brandon"

Congrats to Corrine and her beautiful family! We are so excited for them and will be happy to have Jessica join our family of birthmoms if she will have us! ;) Mothers come in all shapes and sizes, all walks of life...but they are all special! They all have purpose and have been something meaningful in our life! For those still waiting for the chance to be a mother..keep the faith! There is a baby waiting for you...stay focused!

Happy Mother's Day!

We love you all so much!

The "Switch"

I had an incredible week in Arizona. I have been thinking about it so much since we got back. It was such an eye opener to be in that room with all of those amazing women...of all walks of life! I was overwhelmed by the love and pain in the room..the healing and the fear...the faith and the doubt...it really was amazing. I felt so honored to be able to be a part of that group. You can read about our evening {HERE}.

I took some time at the beginning of the event to talk about making the "switch". As birth moms we go along after placement..we all have a different pace and perspective on how we cope, how we heal, how we accept. We are all experiencing heartache and healing at our own risk. There was a great message from Brave Girls that I wanted to share on a broken heart.


"Your heart will mend, it will. It always always will, no matter how many times it has been broken. Sometimes our hearts have to be broken to be made into something newer, stronger, and wiser. Sometimes the cracks that a broken heart makes and leaves are the very portals to the greatest light and love and learning that we will ever experience.

Having our hearts broken is a part of life. It just is. Anyone who lives and loves with all of their heart, or even with parts of their heart, is destined to experience the breaking of that heart at one time or another.

Be with those feelings. Don't rush the healing time. Let it go at its own pace and certainly don't shove those feelings into some faux hiding place, believing that what is out of sight is out of mind.

Broken hearts have a lot to say, and the more patient you are to listen, the faster your heart will heal. Listen to what your broken heart is saying about how it wants life to be in the future.

Be patient and gentle with yourself. No rushing. Rushing a broken heart is a bit unkind and impatient. You don't want to treat yourself that way!

You are so loved. You are so wise and wonderful and amazing.

You are healing right now."

There were many healing hearts in Arizona..hearts in all different stages.

It was so beautiful to see the many hearts at work.

Ok, back to the "switch". I shared a very personal story about when I made the "switch".

Let's back up for a minute and talk about what that even means. At some point there in EVERY birth mom there is a time when all of a sudden...POOF...you are a different person! You see things from a total different perspective, you are on fire and have a new found motivation. Now, there are times as a birth mom that we try to FAKE the "switch". We try and act like everything is ok and that we are over it....but in reality we are just faking it...UNLESS we have made the "switch" for real! There is an amazing sense of peace that comes over you..you are not healed and you will still have days or moments that you will struggle because what you have experienced was so intense and is a PART OF YOU...but when you make the "switch" you realize that you are going to be ok..that you are going to be able to tackle anything that comes your way..that you are finding a new motivation, you are on FIRE and you are ready to take on the world....and your doing it with new life and perspective.

Ok, back to my "switch". I living in Nashville, TN with my husband, then man friend (I call him that because he was too old to call a boyfriend). We were not in the best place...there were some events that happened (wont go into detail yet...another post for another day...arizona girls are lucky to have heard the whole story)...I was in a place for several days that forced me to look in the mirror!! I was in a place that allowed me to forget about the world around me...there were no distractions...NOTHING but soul work was going on around me. I was able to accept my responsibility, my reality and THAT acceptance was the most powerful thing that has happened to me!!!!

I left that place and everything changed..my husband and I got married, I found the spiritual peace I had been searching for, a few months later we were expecting our daughter.....and BIB was born.

There is POWER in that!!

Not everyone will experience a HUGE life changing moment when making the "switch" and it will come at totally different times for everyone and different experiences will trigger it...but it will happen...and I want you to know that BIB will be there when it does.

It was because of that experience that the Big Tough Girl Retreat was created. It gave me the understanding of the importance of getting away from the world...focusing on yourself and your pain...your realities, your hopes and fears....forcing you to accept life as it is and finding great power in that!

I am a HUGE fan of Cher!...I know, I know...but I love her..she sings an incredible song with incredible power behind the lyrics...

Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

They can say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But i'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of
I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

No no
I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying right here
Oh no
You won't see me begging
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

I am not going anywhere.....WE are not going anywhere! We are here for you in ANY stage! We hope that we can offer some peace and comfort!..

I hope you will share your moments of making the SWITCH...it is such a powerful thing..if you are NOT there yet..don't worry..you will be..take your time...let it happen naturally!..

But when it happens...BE READY TO TAKE ON THE WORLD!

Baby You're A FireWork!

BIB had the amazing opportunity to go to Mesa, Arizona this week and participate in the LDSFS Support Group for the birth moms. It was such an exciting night for us. We spent weeks getting things ready to go...and then it was finally here!

Our theme for the evening was "Living the Life you Imagine"

Board Vice Chair-Todd Mitchell was our keynote speaker and he gave some incredible motivation to the birth moms about "owning the night" and living the life that they imagine!

He used lyrics from FIREWORK to help ignite their fire! He was amazing and I wanted share what you missed:

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

It was such a great night...we were able to give a basket away along with several Big Tough Girl shirts. We had plenty of time to chat with all of the birth moms and take tons of pictures!

We had an AMAZING time and LOVE LOVE LOVE all the BTG's of Arizona!

We took tons of pictures and all the girls that were there are in at least ONE picture. You can purchase the CD of over 50 pictures from our event.

Big Tough Girl-Trisha and her Creations!

I am so honored to advertise for our Big Tough Girl-Trisha! She is so strong and so amazing and has been working so hard. Read all about TRISHA and her amazing story.

Being a single mom she doesn't always have the time that she would like to be able to get out and provide for her family. She is such an amazing, talented woman. She came to me about a month ago and told me what she was working on. We emailed back and forth for weeks and TRISHA got her amazing site up and running.

Trisha has come up with

~BEAUTIFUL CREATIONS ~

where she makes and sells great stuff! She has been crafting for years and is finally going to turn her passion into a small business that she can do from home so she can still spend time with her kids.

She will make ANYTHING for you custom but also has incredible hair clips and baby blankets available for sell.

We love Trisha and wish her the best of luck!!!

{if you are a birth mom looking to launch a business, please contact ashley@blessingsinabasket.org and we would LOVE to spotlight you on our site.}

The Joys of Easter

The Joys of Easter: One of the best things about living where I do is attending the Easter pageant at the LDS Temple in Mesa, Arizona. It is a powerful thing that takes so much dedication and love from all those involved. It is called Jesus the Christ and is one of the largest outdoor Easter pageants in the World. It runs from April 13th to April 23rd except for Sunday and Monday. It is sponsored by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and the pageant represents the King James Version of the Bible. The pageant is a one-hour presentation and it represents the Resurrection of the Savior instead of focusing mainly on the Crucifixion. The stage is 9,600 sq. ft. and is four stories high. There are 450 cast members that volunteer to be part in the pageant. Up to 12,000 visitors attend each night from all different cultures, religions, locations, ages, and nationalities. The performance starts at 8:00 each night and are available in English, Spanish, and ASL (American Sign Language). Admission is FREE! For more information, please visit http://www.easterpageant.org/.


Last weekend I was at the park across the street from the Mesa LDS Temple for a big activity with my internship. I was at a table that was set up as such that I was able to not only see the Temple the entire time but I was also able to watch the cast members practice for the Easter pageant. It was a wonderful experience. The pageant is truly amazing beyond words and I sometimes take for granted how lucky I am that I am 15 minutes away. There is no way to hold back the tears even after the many many times I have seen it. The first time I saw the Easter pageant was when I was 14 years old. I lived in New Mexico at the time and we did not have a Temple yet at that time. We traveled to Mesa Arizona for our Temple trip that year. We were lucky enough to be there at the time of the Easter Pageant. It was an amazing experience. I did not see it again until I was 20 years old and living here. At that time I had placed my son for adoption the year before. I looked at the presentation of the Resurrection of the Savior and felt warmth. The warmth of the Saviors love for me and for my difficult decision. There are only so many out there (the Savior is included) that truly have done something so incredibly painful because of our love for someone else. I encourage you to turn to the Savior for comfort and love because He will always be there. Remember what Easter is all about. Remember the Resurrection and remember that you have the chance to make your life what you want it to be!















This post was done by April Morgan

Not the Bad Guy...Just the Wrong Guy

I {Ashley} had such a huge response on my {5 year Journey post} and I was so touched. I received many emails and I had several people point out that through that whole thing I did not mention the birth father ONCE...I had to laugh at myself because I have spent some many hours over the past 5 years trying NOT to mention him and now...after all this time I credit him for NOTHING that I have accomplished...I have been asked by many birth moms how I "deal" with the birth father issues...so I decided that it was time to FIANLLY post about him, our situation, moving on without him, the drama and the reality!


*as always here is my disclaimer about this post...this is from my perspective and I can't promise that you are going to agree with what I have to say...but I hope you will read anyway!!!


There are so many different directions that this journey goes and I am not even sure where to start or how to get my point across so please try and hang in there through this rollercoaster of a post.


*we will be calling the birth father {Idaho} to keep his privacy. See how we are being the bigger person!


I met {Idaho} back in 2002. I was flying out of Vegas to get a job settled in Idaho with ChatterBox. He sat down next to me on an airplane and that is where it started. We had a very casual relationship. We lived in different places for the first year or so..it was random trips here and there, and many late night phone calls. I was living in Idaho...he had many friends and in the area. He was in Utah and would come into town off and on. I was a few years older than {Idaho}.


I don't know what it was about him...but I was very attracted to him, committed to him, manipulated by him, blinded by him, emotionally drained by him, and controlled by him. He asked me to jump and I said how high. I was used and controlled over and over and over and put myself in situations that I normally would have never participated in. I did everything I could to please him and was very much in love {infatuated} with him. I look back now and am just baffled at how I let it get to all of that. I can't really blame him for the control and manipulation....I let him, I let him do whatever he wanted and talk to me however he wanted, and use me however he wanted..I just wanted him to love me and didn't know any better. I didn't know how to truly gain love from someone. I let him completely distroy my financial situation...putting me in debt from gambling, drinking, road trips, paying his bills instead of mine, going thousands of dollars debt and have my car taken from me...depending on my parents to help me out of these crazy situations.....I LET HIM!!!!


It makes me so frustrated to look back now...I know that I can't change it but I still deal with the consequences of the financial issues that we created together. We went on like this for many years...I had moved, more like {followed} him to several different states and was living, BARELY living, just to be near him...so if he happened to want to spend time with me I was close. I found myself pregnant and left with no other choice but to move home.


Then it was another 9 months of control and abuse...he was the biggest reason that I took my steps into the abortion clinic...Like I said....I TAKE responsibility for the choices that I made...but I was greatly influenced by him and his lack of desire or interest in me. I worked through all the details of the adoption with my parents and myself...I tried to force him to be involved and was SO SO angry that he didn't {care}, that he didn't show the kind of support that I THOUGHT that he should, that he didn't tell any family or friends, that he didn't make any effort to be with me...love me...support me....NOTHING! I was so angry, upset, sad, heart broken and yet...still allowed him to control and manipulate me...still I LET HIM! I know that we all have different stories and different situations...but I see so many birth moms talk horribly about the {birth father} but we aren't always honest...we don't always take responsibility...we don't always like to admit that we allowed so much to happen.. I am learning more and more that all the things that happened didn't make {Idaho} the BAD GUY...It just made him the WRONG GUY!!!....wow....how powerful is that!!!!! Not the bad guy just the wrong guy!!


I could repeat that over and over and over and I hope that those of you girls that are dealing with that will remember those words as well!!! We all contributed to the situation that we are in...we all got pregnant, we all allowed things to happen, we all were too weak at one point to stop the control and manipulation...we are responsible..JUST AS responsible as the birth father...all of our anger is flushed to him because we can't understand, we are too young or still too controlled by his {powers}...but the bottom line...HE IS NOT THE BAD GUY...JUST THE WRONG GUY!!!



Now...let us be clear. I know that 90% of the situations with the birth father are ugly and unfair and the guy gets the blame. But I want you all to know...and to keep faith that there are GOOD GUYS out there that are hurting just as much as you..they are still loosing a child. My all time favorite Birth Father post is {Baby Darling}..man this guy is a saint! Ladies if you are going through your "boys suck and all boys are jerks and I will never trust again" phase please take time to read his blog. He hurts, he lost a daughter, he is a birth father and his options were taken from him. I am not sitting here preaching that men suck...I am married to an amazing man that loves me unconditionally. I am not sitting here preaching that men are awesome and that they don't do wrong..I was hurt badly by a man that I thought I loved and that I had a child with... Here is WHAT I AM PREACHING....you CAN NOT control HIM!!!!! You do not have any control or any say in how he is going to act, how he is going to treat you, how he is going to support you, how he is going to deal and morn....YOU CAN NOT CONTROL that. The only thing you can do is CONTROL YOU! You can decide how you are going to be treated, supported, loved, taken care of....ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE!!! And if you are not getting what you want AND deserve then he is not the bad guy...just the wrong guy.. Ladies...part of rising above and being a big tough girl is learning to move forward with some bit of self respect. To rebuild the STRONG you and not letting others determine who you are and where you are going!!


I know it is hard...TRUST ME! I know it is hard...I still get caught in the {Idaho} yo-yo..even now..I know how hard it is! But sitting around and being mad and hurt and frustrated that he isn't acting how YOU think he should is NOT accomplishing anything...let it go, walk away, have some respect, love yourself and your child, live your life...and if you have a man that loves you and is supporting you and treats you like the queen that you are hold on to him and let this experience bring you closer together! Ladies-don't let yourself be bitter...you have too many things to deal with and face..don't let him bring you down!! Take responsibility for YOUR part in this situation..apologize for what you need to and let the rest go! He is NOT THE BAD GUY...just THE WRONG GUY! Mr. Right is out there...you can find someone that loves you unconditionally and respects you, supports you, holds you, understands you...I found it, you can find it!

Guest Blogger

I {Ashley} had the great opportunity to be a guest blogger on The Blessings of Adoption.


It was so great to write a piece for them and I hope to get to write for them again! Thank you Clayton and Angie for inviting me to your blog!



You can read the post {HERE}


Plus...you can get a sneak peak of one of our NEW Big Tough Girl buttons that will be available for you to put on your blog/websites!

Another Basket for Another Big Tough Girl!

All of us at BIB are so excited to send another basket to an amazing Big Tough Girl, Elizabeth Phillips. Thank you for the referral Chelsea...we appreciate you looking out for your dear friends.

Elizabeth, we hope and pray that this basket finds you well. We hope that you can find peace over these next few impossible days and weeks that you are facing. We are here for you night and day and love you very much!

xoxo,

The BIB Team!

Big Tough Girl Update-Kristina!

I have been in tears from the incredible email update from our very first birth mom. I am so blessed to have Kristina in my life. I LOVE her so much and she and I will always have an incredible bond that only birth moms can experience. I love her updates and am so happy for her. I am proud of her for working through her struggles. I am proud of her and Ray for working and growing together after their experience. It has been coming up on 5 months since Kristina had her baby and we were there for her very last days...I love her so much and she truly is a Big Tough Girl! I know that the first year is so so so hard while you are adjusting back to life physically, mentally and emotionally. Thank you again Kristina for sharing your thoughts and feelings, for opening up and for your strength. LOVE YOU my dear dear friend! xoxo, Ashley

Dear Ashley,

These past few months have been tough. I think the hardest part is dealing with all my emotions! They drive me crazy. I know it's only been 4 months since I have placed my baby girl up for adoption but I wanted to share with you some positive experiences that I got to have these months.

Dealing with my emotions is hard enough. Not even working 40 hours a week can keep my mind off it! I had a chance to talk to a girl that I worked with who is adopted. I told her my story about how I am a birth mom. She was shocked! You don't really hear about birth moms that much. They tend to just disappear when they've done what they needed to do. The girl had a lot of questions. Like "Does my birth mom ever think about me every year that she had me?" "Was it hard?" (I know the second one sounds like a silly question but I get asked it a lot. Someone who hasn't had to carry and take care of not only yourself but something living inside of you can never understand how attached you get. It's a 9 month commitment!) There is a lot of love that goes into not only carrying the child but even more giving it to someone who will love and take care of that child, also giving it more than you could ever give it at the time. She had lots of questions that I wish that I could have answers. She doesn't know who her birth mom or father is and has very little information. She always wonders where she came from and she is always going to have questions that would drive me crazy! I told her that I know that what I did was the right decision for my daughter and that IT WAS THE HARDEST DECISION I've ever had to make. I hope that I gave her some peace knowing that her birth mom HAD to love her enough to carry her and give her life too.

I had the most wonderfulest (I don't think that is a word, hahaa) weekend. For people who don't know my story, Jeff and Jessica Holmes, the family that adopted my daughter ARE LIKE FAMILY. Having more than an open adoption was what I needed. The one thing that I needed to accept was that was not my role to be mother. I will be no more than an aunt or sister to Cassidy. The Holmes came and visited Ray and I, (the father) this weekend for Ray's 24th birthday. Although it has been hard for Ray to accept that that is not his role, he did very well that weeked. I could see that when he held her and when she started to cry he would turn on "daddy mode". I held his hand and said, "it's okay hun, that's not our job." Ray and I are still together, growing strong from this experience that we went through. I'm VERY lucky to have his strength and support. We are going to make Cassidy proud of us, make sure that there is not a single doubt in her head that what we did for her was only out of love. I love you Ashley and all that you do. I'm glad for Blessings in a Basket and I've seen how it has not only touched my life but the other birth moms out there. We are Tough Girls.


Love,

Kristina

The Best For You!

I wanted to take some time and introduce you to an amazing author named Kelsey Stewart. There are so many adoptive families and birth moms that have children of their own and I know that adoption is not an easy topic to explain to your kids. Kelsey has written an amazing book (can't wait to get my copy) for children explaining adoption from a birth mom's perspective. If you are in an adoption situation and have kids of your own this book is a MUST READ!! Here is a little more about Kelsey and her beautiful book!

Who is Kelsey?

Well, glad you asked! I have 5 children, a daughter and twin boys that I placed for adoption and two boys that I am raising with my husband. I am the author of a children's book titled The Best For You that explains why one mother chose adoption for her children. I have written articles for The Open Adoption Examiner, Adoptions From The Heart, The National Council For Adoption and have an eBooklet that was published by Tapestry Books titled Guilt, Grief and Pride.

I wrote my book for them so they would always understand why I chose adoption for them. I have relationships with all of them, not like hanging out with each other kind of relationships, but we keep in touch. They know that they can ask me anything, tell me anything and I will always do my best to help them understand what and why I did what I did. I chose adoption...


You can read more about Kelsey Stewart on her Blog.

What about her book?

I always wanted to find a way to express to my children the reasons that lead me to place them with other families, to not raise them myself. It is not an easy task to do, but the open adoptions that I had helped me heal and accept life as a mother without her children. I had the idea for the book in my head for over 15 years, but just could not find the right way to tell the story until almost 20 years later.

I often would look at book stores periodically to see if there were any children's books that explained adoption in a real way ... not the "you were a gift from heaven" or "we wished for you" book. I wanted to see something that kids could read and really think about, talk to their parents about, show them that they WERE wanted. Sometimes we take kids for granted and do not take their feelings into consideration when it comes to explaining adoption to them. The last thing a child wants is a phony story or a fairytale, I think they would prefer the truth.

The Best For You was written in two weeks and the illustrations took almost two years to complete. I do not consider myself an artist, but it is amazing what you can do when you set your mind to it! So once I finished the illustrations I tried to find a publisher for this unique perspective, but like life...many were afraid to touch this taboo subject. I finally decided to take my fate into my own hands and researched self publishing. I chose a publisher, sent the files and The Best For You is the result.

If you would like more information about where you can purchase her book please email me: ashley@blessingsinabasket.org

Illinois FSA

I have had the great pleasure of talking with Christy Medley, the chair member with the Illinois FSA chapter. She is such a wonderful person and has put us in contact with incredible adoptive families!

She has posted a spotlight about BIB on their blog that you can read about HERE.

Thank you Christy for your love and support!...to all of those joining us for the first time WELCOME...spend as much time as you like and make sure you read all about our BIG TOUGH GIRLS!

Big Tough Girl-Heather

We love our Big Tough Girls...Heather is such a great inspiration for being a birth mom and a wife and mother! We are so proud of Heather and admire her for her courage. She sent us a picture in her Big Tough Girl shirt with her new BABY BUMP that we love so so so much! Thank you Heather...we love you and adore you. I want to wish you luck with your new baby, we are so proud of you and I know that so many blessings are in store!!

Sharing Strength from an Incredible Woman...

Blessings in a Basket is all about inspiration, motivation, love and support. I am always trying to find something from someone to add to our blog that will inspire you...comfort you...remind you...give you strength....I love sharing stories from other incredible women who have been through so much, who have suffered and survived, who keep the faith in the face of great adveristy...I have been following a tragic story of a young husband and father that was killed not long ago...he left behind a family. Brad Ford was an amazing member of the Spanish Fork Community, and although I did not know him personally, you know that he was well loved by the amazing things that have been posted about him. I do know some of his family and I know that they are amazing people and they have felt his loss greatly....but no one more than his strong, beautiful and amazing wife. Tahsha Ford is a great example of strength, courage, faith and endurance...she truly is a Big Tough Girl! I wanted to share a post that she shared on her blog.....read it, ponder it, pray about it...think about your life and where you are....we can all find some strength and motivation in her words....Thank you Tahsha for being the woman that you are, for sharing your strength and struggles, your faith and your fears, your love and your loss!

"This is hard.
I'm still struggling. How could I not? It all still feels so surreal, like Brad will walk in the door any minute. I'm grateful for the family and friends all around me. For all the help, phone calls, and messages. I really feel your love and prayers. Thank you. It means more to me than I could ever express.

I’ve been writing a lot the past few weeks. Most of it I’ll never share with anyone. It’s too personal. Too hard.

But there are somethings I’ve really been wanting to share with all of you. I’m not sure why. Maybe if you, who still have your loved ones with you, can understand a little of my mind set, it will help you make the most of your life. Maybe it will help someone. Maybe I’m just crazy. (I’m sure there’s part of that too.) It's taken me a while to compile all these thoughts into something comprehensible.

I know so many people have been touched by Brad’s life and the suddenness of his death. Friends, family, and sometimes strangers have told me that they’ve resolved to make some changes in their life because they’ve seen the way that Brad lived his.
I am one of those people.
These are some of the things that I’m determined to do differently because of Brad.

I will live every day as if it was my last, with no regrets.
Once glance at the amazing display of Brad’s life is enough to tell someone that Brad did this. I heard countless people say in amazement that Brad did and accomplished more in his short 28 years than most people do in a life time. I want to be like that.

I will not let the little things bother me.
Brad was so chill. It took a lot for things to get under his skin and even more for things to push him over the edge. He enjoyed life because he let the little things go.

I will work hard to accomplish my goals.
Brad had so many accomplishments. He was the hardest working person I’d ever met. When he set out to do something, he didn’t just do it, he mastered it.

I will try new things. I won’t be scared. I will seize every opportunity.
I always admired Brad’s excitement at new things and his ability to learn and master whatever he did. Seriously, Brad was good at EVERYTHING. He was the smartest person I’ve ever known. It used to drive me crazy, but then I decided that I have the best example and I was going to be like him.

I will make good connections with friends.
Brad was friends with everyone. He was easy going and comfortable to be around. He hardly had a bad word to say about people, and most didn’t have anything bad to say about him.

I won’t hold grudges.
Life is too short to be angry at people for stupid stuff. Sure, Brad had people in his life that he had to work harder to get along with, but he always tried. I’m confident that he went to Heaven without any grudges or anger at anyone.

I will live my life in accordance with God’s plan so I can live worthy to be with Brad again.


There are so many things I’m so grateful for. I’m grateful for the wonderful marriage we had.

I always tried to be the kind of wife that was supportive of Brad’s hobbies and his friends. I felt it was important. Brad was a happier man and a better husband when he could do those things. I tried so hard to be supportive of that, and he did the same thing for me.
But, men are men. As much as Brad wanted to be off playing every free second, he knew that being a good dad and husband meant finding a balance. He never resented me for the times when I asked him to be home on a weekend. I tried to tell him with kindness, but even times when I wasn’t so loving, he always listened to me. He knew that when I had to tell him that I needed him home, that I really needed him. He would drop everything, rearrange his schedule so he made sure that he was putting his family as a priority. Balance was something we worked on from day one. And Brad really understood how important that was to me. He was always trying, always listening and things always got better and better. His most important work was being a great husband, dad, and Priesthood holder. We had a great marriage because Brad put so much effort into it. I really tried to do the same. I hope that Brad would say that I did.

Brad was a family man. Leah and I were the most important things to him. I know that and I really believe that that makes Brad feel so good. Brad’s best friends are his brothers. (that includes his brother-in-laws) Most of everything he did included his brothers. We spent most of our free time with his family or my family or both. I’m so intensely grateful for the great relationship we’ve all had as a family. What a blessing it is for us to have no regrets with how we treated each other and acted as a family. I’m sure that Brad is so grateful for those relationships.

I’m grateful for the gospel. I don’t know where I would be without it. How could anyone ever survive the loss of a loved one without the knowledge of God and eternity? I really don’t know. Eternity is so real to me. So tangible. I’m so grateful for my knowledge. It’s the only thing that gets me through sometimes.

I echo my father in law when he said so many times that we have no regrets. Truly I don’t. But there are things that I would’ve done differently. These aren’t regrets, but some feelings that I share in hopes that you will do these things while you have the chance.

I wish that I’d taken more pictures of him doing things that he loved.

I wish I had been more active about doing the things he loved along with him.

Brad and I had some similar interests, but some very different interests as well. I should’ve gone hunting with him more. I should’ve learned to ride a horse better, and been more willing to go with him. I should’ve been better about making his passions and interests my passions and interests. Those times when I did go with him are memories I will forever cherish. I shot my first elk this year with Brad by my side. Sitting in the woods with Brad, just being in the mountains where he felt most comfortable is something I will always remember. He was so proud of me!

Brad and I never had big fights or times when our marriage really struggled, but like any couple, we didn’t always get along. Sometimes we argued. Some times he pissed me off. Sometimes I pissed him off.
We had our problems for sure, but we always worked them out. Brad refused to go to bed unless we had resolved our problems and could go to bed happy.
There are many times when Brad and I communicated well and worked things out. I’m proud of those times. But those moments when I was being pissy, stubborn, over-dramatic, or just plain hard to deal with, are stains across my otherwise happy memories. I wished I’d just let things go. Dropped my anger. Been less judgmental and more understanding. Please don’t hold on to the anger.

Wives: be attentive to your husbands. Know the weight that is on their shoulders. Be kind and loving when you need to talk about things that need to change. Help them be the best Dad’s and husbands they can be. Give them a break. Let them have interests and passions. Be interested in what they are interested. Let them teach you. Try to involve yourself.

Husbands: Listen to your wives. Pay attention when they are telling you what they need from you. Make sure they know by your actions that your family is your priority. Balance your life. Go play. Hang out with your friends. Pursue your interests and passions. Include you’re families in that. You will cherish your life if you can share the same passions with your family. But find a balance. Be with your wives. Take your kids out. Be an active part of their lives. Let your wives take a break and do the things they love.


Who cares if the dishes are done? Who cares if the house is clean? Life is so busy already without any added stress. Leave the messy house, leave all the crap you think you have to do. Go seize every opportunity you have. Even if it’s snuggling on the couch, or family movie night, or a Sunday drive. What are you going to remember?

I know you’re reading this thinking stuff like this can’t happen to you.

I never thought this could happen to me.

Life is short. Life is precious.

Life can change completely with one gust of wind.


What’s important to you? What matters? When people commemorate your life, what do you want them to say? Will you and your family be proud of the things they say about you and the way that you’ve lived your life?

I’m so proud of Brad. I’m proud of the way that he lived his life. I’m proud of the kind of husband, dad, brother, son and friend that he was. No one understands what amazing husband and Dad he was. I’m proud of his integrity, his honesty, his openness and friendliness with everyone. I’m proud of his hobbies. I’m proud of his work ethic and his responsibility. I’m proud of his devotion to the gospel.

I’m SO proud of Brad, and I know that Brad is proud of the way that he lived his life.

Brad is a big man in the Spanish Fork community. It used to bug me that no one really knew me for me, but rather for Brad, but know I think of that as the highest honor.
I am Brad Ford’s wife.
I couldn’t ask for a better title or a greater blessing from God."

I love you all so dearly and it is my prayer that you will take a look at your life today...find the joy in your journey...learn from those that have gone before you...find your faith and gain a greater understanding of the big picture!

MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALWAYS!!

xoxo,
Ashley

Big Tough Girl Night in Mesa...Read the Buzz!!

"I am so excited that Ashley Mitchell is coming down for our AZ BirthMother Group! I can't wait to meet her in person. April 27th is definitely marked off on my calendar. Is two hours really going to be long enough though? Not quite sure that we can cram this exciting evening into 2 little hours.
I just wanted to post this on my blog to remind me, and also inform others who may not have heard of it yet. I truly am counting down the days for this awesome night."


Go to Katie's Blog to read more!

BTG Katie...we love you!

"The other day I received my Big Tough Girl Shirt in the mail. For those who don't know anything about this... Big Tough Girls are a group of Birthmothers (women who have placed a baby or babies for adoption). You can find out more about us on the Blessings in a Basket Blog http://www.blessings-inabasket.blogspot.com/ . I love advocating for such a wonderful and noble cause. My heart is so invested in adoption, and I love when I get the chance to speak to others about my amazing experiences with it. I am also excited that I received my shirt in time to go speak this month with Dara at a school for girls that have either chosen to single parent, or are pregnant."

Go to Katie's Blog to read more....