A 5 year journey..Celebrating life...his and mine!

Wow...before I dive into all the many many things that I wanted to talk to you all about I just have to say how incredibly blessed I feel and how much I love all of you! My heart is so full! This is a warning that this is going to be the longest post in the history of blogging but I hope that you will stick with it and read it all the way through....there is quite a story to tell with many characters!!! It is hard to sum up a journey like mine in a few paragraphs. Today is my son's birthday.........wow, one sentence and the tears have already started to fall!! He is 5 years old today! I have spent the past few weeks going over this day in my mind...this journey that I have taken, the paths that I have crossed...the life that I have lived. The reflection has been heartbreaking and happy and unbelievable. I had the amazing opportunity on Saturday to see my son for the first time in 3 years....He is such a little person, he is so much a part of his family...looks, personality EVERYTHING. I was so blessed to have my husband and daughter there..I could always feel my husbands eyes on my, carefully as if he was ready to reach out and catch me any second....they helped me to keep my perspective. I have realized so many things from my journey and I wanted to share them with you.... I am giving my warning right now...you may not agree with all that I have to say, you may be upset by some of the things that I have to say but PLEASE keep in mind as you read this post that it is out of LOVE for all of you that I share my thoughts and that I always stay totally honest with you....all of our situations are different, all of us have different perspectives and are in different places of the "process"....this is where I am after 5 years.... I have been thinking about birth moms so much lately..you have all been in my heart and in my prayers. My heart is sad for those of you that are hurting and so full for those that are at peace. After seeing my son today at the stage that I am in with my life I wanted to share with you my feelings and thoughts on being a birth mom!....first of all I want you all to know that I take being a birth mom very seriously and it is something that I am very very proud of....but it something that I have a GREAT deal of respect for and something that I feel is very very sacred! I started BIB with the birth moms in mind, and wanted to share my story with so many but I wanted to do it with respect for myself, the adoptive families, my son and for all of those birth moms that I was going to be coming in contact with....it is such a delicate situation and it is my prayer that you will all have a humble, respectful and reverent attitude about being a birth mom and that your actions reflect who you are....you are BIG TOUGH GIRLS but what makes you one is your sweet, giving, compassionate, strong, humble hearts....being a birth mom is NOT about gaining acceptance from all of those around you...it is about life, sacrifice and love....people don't have to "get it" or "accept it"...that doesn't change what you did and who you are....be proud of who you are, be humbled by what you are, be reverent for what you gave and have respect for those that are like you....I am so proud to be a birth mom, I love who I am and what I have done....I am humbled by the blessings in my life and the opportunities that have been placed before me....I am a Big Tough Girl... Being a birth mom is not about getting recognition and it is not about patting yourself on the back, or thinking that you deserve attention and special rights. This is where this post is going to get a little bit touchy...................take a deep breath.........................here we go!! Part of the healing process, humility, repentance, forgiveness and peace comes with being able to admit and accept several things that come with being a birth mom. One of those things is accepting the fact that as a birth mom we are selfish. There are so many that want to praise us and make us feel like we are angels and answers to prayers and amazing women but I am going to be totally honest with you (I am becoming famous for that...good or bad...) I don't deserve ANY of those praises that come my way...and you KNOW WHAT!!??? It is ok, because it is true. My decision to give my baby up for adoption was not TOTALLY a selfless act...and I think that if you are being honest with yourself then you will agree.....I did not go to my adoptive family before I got pregnant and ask them if I could carry their child....I was irresponsible, got pregnant, was in a less than desirable situation and I did not want to have a baby...WOW!!!! I know you are all dying right now that I just said that.....................................................................................................Well, I am going to say it again...I did NOT want a BABY!! Ok, that is a lot to take in...lets break it down so we don't all have a heart attack and decide to hate me and BIB forever!!!! 1. I love my son very much and there is no one that could tell me other wise 2. I did not want to raise a baby in my time of my life in the situation that I was in 3. Out of ALL the options that were available....adoption was the least selfish and allowed joy for those that were involved. 4. Giving my baby, the responsiblity and the burden to another family allowed me to move on and have a life for myself.... That is a pretty selfish list.....but one that ALL birth moms think about! In my opinion the praise should go to the adoptive family. They are the ones that step up, and willingly take on the responsiblity, financial burden, spiritual expectations etc of raising my child that was brought into this world because of a poor decision on my part..... Do me a favor.....step back, take a deep breath..............................................................tell yourself that you are going to be ok....that you made the BEST decision to fix a poor situation...................you were a little bit selfish....................take another deep breath................accept that thought..........................SEE!!!!!!!!! We are still ok!!!!!!!!!!!! We are still alive and are still respected for our decisions..... The truth is, I had to accept the ENTIRE truth of the adoption process before I was able to truly find peace and MOVE forward....and that is what BIB is all about! We are here to provide healing and a life to move forward with....a way to network and connect, to heal and to love...NOT to give you credit for being irresponsible for getting pregnant and giving your baby up for adoption..........................OH MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are we still hanging in there????? Are we still breathing????? Do we still love BIB???????????? I HOPE SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lets tone it down for a minute......I want to pause and tell you all how much I love you! I think that we all make mistakes...no one is perfect and all of our situations are different! But I think that we are all incredible, brave women that deserve to find peace, deserve to be happy and deserve to go on to live a beautiful happy and healthy life beyond this "process"....in spite of this "process" but most importantly, BECAUSE OF THIS PROCESS!!!!!!....I want you to be able to move forward with a clear mind and an open heart and we can't do that if we are not honest with ourselves and with each other.....we are Big Tough Girls....

5 years ago I placed my son in the arms of another woman, another mother. I loved her and respected her and hated her all at the same time. Now......there is only love, respect and appreciation. The woman that took my son is HIS MOTHER! I don't even feel that I have the right to call him my son...that word comes with so much responsibility and stress and love and worry and burden and joy. Now that I have my own daughter, my own family I understand....she is more of a "mother" than I could have ever claimed to be if I would have kept him for myself. It has been hard and sad and scary and frustrating to take this road....to be here where I am today....but we are here....and some days you could knock me over with a feather, and others I am ten feet tall and bullet proof!! It never goes away!!!...NEVER....quit expecting it to develop into something different....it is always going to be there....YOU HAVE TO LIVE around that...it is a part of you, you have to except it....don't let the hatred and the anger and the grief get the best of you....

We are going to help you in every way possible...to feel the peace that I feel...it is possible...no matter your situation...and you know what?? IT IS OK to WANT TO BE HAPPY...to want to be AMAZING!!!...you deserve it just like any one else!!!! And............................I am going to make it easy for you and put you in touch with those that can help!

I have been so blessed and have had the amazing opportunity to meet some amazing people in my journey. You all know my dear "sister" Stephanie St. Claire from BLISSBOMBED who has so much wisdom to offer all birth moms. She has incredible insight and is adopted herself...her love for the birth moms is unconditional. She is a such an incredible loving soul and I am proud to call her a friend.

I reached out to an amazing woman....we will call her PINK MOSS for now! Major introductions coming....this is not the last that you will hear about her!! I read her story over the weekend and cried and cried. She has developed an amazing project and I am so honored to have the opportunity to have her "join" our BIB family....I want to share with you what she is writing about you and us.........(by the way Pink Moss, I am not that much younger than you!!) :)

I was contacted over the weekend by an amazing lady {A lady younger than me...I am sure} You can read her story HERE. I am contacted by people ALL the time wanting me to advertise for them, or write about their product for profit sometimes and other times not. I haven't come across much that has been worth my time yet, or if it is, simply don't have the time. This is the same reason I rarely do give a ways, I can't spare any more time for the blog. Until, I "met" Ashley. She gave up her baby for adoption five years ago *ON THIS DAY* Somehow she came across my adoption story and thought we could help each other out. She has started an amazing non-profit organization called "Blessings in a Basket". She has an amazing vision of what she wants to accomplish, one of them being a retreat for girls that have adopted their babies to other people. It is to help them get back on their feet and help them continue in their life and not give up. She asked me to come to the retreat and do a (PIMDE) workshop. Do you remember my other blog? I started it for my daughters and collected letters from women all over the Internet written to their 12 year old selves. Some were funny, some serious, all reflective...but most of all EVERYONE that sent a letter in really enjoyed the process. After I got that blog going..it took off really well..and then summer came. And ALL the kids were home ALL day and it slowed down. Fall rolled around and right when I took a picture of myself lying on the hammock with one daughter left at home and feeling so calm, Handsome came into our lives. So PIMDE was left for later...I didn't know where to take it from there. Now I am excited to work with Ashley and figure the best way to make awesome and add it to her retreat at a cabin in the Unitas. I'll keep you updated on that, but for now check out how awesome Ashley is at "Blessings In A Basket" Maybe say hello and send a quick note or prayer for her on this very hard day. I am just so impressed she is doing something with her heartache and not letting it take over her life in sadness. I am sure it is something a birth mother never gets over, but we can all use our trials to learn and grow or to take us down and

ASHLEY IS NOT GOIN' DOWN!

I would not welcome just anyone into my BIB family...this is so precious to me...almost sacred and I want you all to know that you are in good hands. Our Retreats are going to be incredible...and something that you can NOT afford to miss!!! If you are a birth mom at ANY stage....you can never hear this stuff enough!!

I want you all to know that I did not plan for my life to turn out like this. I wanted the dream..in the old fashion sense of the word and everything that entailed. I wanted the hubsand and house and perfect kids and the picket fence.......and what I got was several divorces, drug and alcohol, cancer, unwanted pregnancy and so much more......but here I am 5 years through that journey...and you know what??? I AM LUCKY!!!! My life took the path it did and I can't change that...I can't beat myself up over it any more..I can't wish for something different...because if I open my eyes and look around...

I have the husband and a house and a perfect child and another perfect child that is loved and happy...I have family and friends and I have all of you!!!!!!!! I am lucky and I am blessed and I am proud of where my life has taken me....I am a big tough girl!!!!!!

Happy Birthday Derek. I love you. I am so proud of you. I am happy to see that you don't need me. You are well taken care of and will never want for anything....

To your family, I thank you. You have given me my life, and I treasure it and celebrate it. You took my burden and created the most beautiful boy that I have ever seen. I will always be in debt to you.

To all the birth moms, families, friends, men and woman that are reading this...you are blessed. Your trials are a blessing. Your journey is beautiful and unique and you are the ONLY person that can create that journey.

My heart is full.