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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

A boy of my own....

I am sitting here staring at my new born son....in awe of how beautiful he is and what a miracle this little life is.  I am so overwhelmed with blessings and joy that it is hard to put into words how I feel.  I have a daughter that is almost two now, not a baby any more....and I remember having the same feelings about her...knowing what a miracle giving birth is and how amazing the little ones are...but this one is just a little bit different.......

......this one is a boy.....I have a son......I have finally had a chance to have a boy.....another boy.....almost 6 years later.....not to replace the one that I gave up but a chance at the one that is supposed to be with me....a boy of my own!!!!! 

Almost 6 years ago they placed my son on my chest and I heard him cry for the very first time.  I know that as a mother there are very few things in this world that are more precious and more amazing than that first moment...I also know that I was sharing that first cry with someone else...that it wasn't just for me.  I knew that out in the hall was his mother....waiting, listening....and I know that when she heard that first cry of her son.....she wept! 

It is so hard to put into words the emotion that is felt during those few days in the hospital as a birth mother during placement...they are mostly a blur of love, and anger and joy and pain and hate and humility and so many more....those few precious days in the hospital with Derek were some of the most cherished and painful days of my life..I have yet to experience anything like them.  I was a mother....on one level, I had just had a son and I was amazed and overwhelmed by what that all meant....but it had such a different meaning 6 years ago.  Being a mother then and being a mother now......I am not the same person, the same "mother", the same woman. 

My time with Derek in the evenings of the hospital are truly some of the most sacred times of my life...and times that I don't talk about much.  I have shared many feelings about the hospital and many experiences that I had but rarely do I talk about the time that I spent with my son....at night....when we were all alone...while he slept...the things I said to him, wished for him, cried for him, pleaded with him...They are to precious to share....but for those few hours in the evenings that I had with him....all alone....he was my son...and I found myself crying over my new son....my baby boy...pleading, wishing, crying many of the same things that I did almost 6 years ago! 

This is Derek, this is the son that I know....this is the son that spent the nights with me. This is the son that I placed in the arms of his mother.  I love getting updates from his family and I love getting pictures..I am so blessed to have the peace of mind that he is happy and healthy and so very loved by his family.....but every time I hear his name, or see a picture...My thoughts still go back to this picture...to those precious nights...that is the son I had....

I know that I am blessed....I know that my situation is rare.  As a birth mother I have been through many horrible and life changing events, I have hit bottom and then dug even deeper than that.  I have been in a darkness that I never thought could be lifted....and yet somehow....here I am....Almost 6 years later blessed with the most AMAZING husband that anyone could EVER ask for, a daughter that can melt your heart with one smile and now a son....a boy of my very own. 

.....I can't even express how excited I am to have him...how much I love him...how different it is this time....how I know that my pictures and thoughts and memories of him will go way beyond that of our nights spent in the hospital. 

This is my son Oliver.  To me...he is the most precious and amazing miracle on the planet.  While I was in the hospital I had sent a text to Derek's mother...letting her know that he had finally arrived...she sent me a text message that is one that I will never forget....she expressed her joy and excitement for me that I was finally able to have a son of my own....even now, almost 6 years later, as I gave birth to another baby boy...she was there with me...sharing in the moment...only this time I didn't have to share him....he was coming home with my husband and I....and it was a beautiful moment...it was an amazing sense of accomplishment...the missing piece...the final piece had been filled....a son! 

I asked Derek's adoptive mother if she would be willing to write a few words about what it is like for her from her perspective to be able to watch her son's birth mother have a boy...another boy...years later!  This is what she wrote:

""It's a boy"! For the past five years, I had been waiting for this news. I had been praying faithfully for Ashley, my son's birth mother. I wanted more than anything to see her enjoy all that she afforded me through the miracle of adoption.

As she poured over families for her unborn son, Ashley had sensed that our family, especially my husband, needed a son. My husband lost his father at the age of 16 to cancer. She would never fully know our joy of being able to pass on his name, his legacy and create a new generation of father and son.

We were overwhelmed and humbled that Ashley would invite us to be part of our son's birth. After spending two precious days together in the hospital, our time was nearing an end. No one could have prepared me for that bitter/sweet moment of saying goodbye. I couldn't understand how my heart could be so full of joy yet be broken all at the same time. As I watched Ashley's sorrow as she left her sweet son to us, I knew I could never be whole until she received all the blessings that had been showered upon me.

As a mother of biological and adoptive children, I know first-hand that there is no difference in the love you have for them. They become yours the moment they are laid in your arms. There is, however, one difference. Each time I looked at Derek, I would forever be reminded of Ashley and her selfless love and sacrifice. I knew I had an added measure of responsibility to see that Derek had all the love, kindness, and opportunities that I could give him not just for me, but for both of us.

Few things have brought me as much joy as seeing Ashley find happiness in her life--a loving husband, a beautiful daughter and being sealed as an eternal family. But, as Ashley's little Oliver arrived, I finally felt at peace. She would now have the opportunity to raise a son--her son--and enjoy each and every moment that she willingly offered to me over five years ago. Through our faith, and in time, prayers are answered!"

One of the reasons that I started BIB was to help the birth moms find what I have found all these years later.  I know that I am blessed, I know that I am not the norm, I know that not everyone will be able to fill some of those missing pieces.....but I know that it is possible....that there are opportunities available...and I want  EVERY birth mom that I come in contact with to know that I was there....and now I am here...

I have a boy of my very own....I don't have to share him or place him in the arms of another mother...I have come full circle.  I LOVE both of my sons....I know that Derek has an amazing mother that showers him with more love than most boys get.....except maybe this new addition to my family!  :) 

My life is so blessed and I pray for all of those that have been through what we have...for all the Big Tough Girls....to be able to one day claim a boy or girl of their very own...with a family and an amazing husband...

Bringing Oliver home from the hospital will always be one of the most treasured memories of my life! 


  1. Ashley, that post is truly inspiring. My eyes are filling with tears. I am so happy your family has been blessed with little Ollie! Also, reading the words of Derek's adoptive mother is awesome. She really loves you. Your post is moving and I am thankful to know you. I am stronger because of it. I can't imagine how many people/birth mothers lives you have impacted for the better. Congratulations dear friend. Luv you!

  2. Congrats to you Ashley! God is good. You are an inspiration to birth mothers. I love what you are doing with BIB also.

  3. What an amazing post! I love how real you are and for sharing your story. I am so excited for your little boy and for the chance you have to bring him home. You are one amazing person!!

  4. Beautiful post, Ashley! Congratulations!

  5. That was so beautifully written Ashley! What a tremendous woman you are! I pray that you will continue to be blessed. Congratulations on another beautiful baby boy!
    Your cuz, Jamie ;-)

  6. You are so inspiring,so honest,so heartfelt..thankyou for shareing this very personal part of your life,and congratulations to you and Oliver and the rest of your beautiful family <3

  7. You are truly inspirational,honest and heartfelt..thankyou so much for shareing your very personal beautiful story,congratulations to yourself and Oliver,and your family <3


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