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Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mothers Weekend!

It is a big weekend for mother’s!...it is even a bigger weekend if you are a birth mother.  I have been reading so many amazing posts about Mother’s Day and have had the incredible opportunity to have one of my favorite posts that I have written published on two amazing sites.  You can see all about them at America Adopts.com and Or So She Says.  It is a post about my journey as a birth mother having a son and now being a wife and a mother and finally having a son of my own!  Thank you for the love and support and for publishing my post…it was an honor and a great joy in my life!

As I have been reading through the hundreds of posts done during the month of May I have seen some amazing heartfelt posts and some sad angry posts…all about their roles as mothers.  It has been confusing to me and has made me question the angle that I celebrate on this incredible weekend. 

I realize more and more how out of the “norm” my family life was and still is.  How much love and support that I had at home.  As I have grown older and have struggled with my own family relationships over the years I have come to understand that to me FAMILY is the ONLY thing that matters!!!!   I believe that almost to a fault!  In fact my dad and I are very old fashioned and we sort of live by the quote from Wyatt Earp “ there is family and everyone else are just strangers”.  I believe that and treat my family as such.  I have learned though that the word family is subjective.  My “family” has grown in ways that I never would have imagined to my amazing Big Tough Girl family to my church family, to the amazing adoption world and Derek’s family and the list goes on. 

I am so blessed to have so many amazing women in my life…examples of Mothers.  I am proud to know and love so many birth moms.  I know that all of our stories are so different, even if the end result is the same, but we all traveled different paths.  I know that NOT ALL ADOPTION STORIES have a happy ending.  There is GREAT LOVE in Adoption but there is also GREAT PAIN.  I want the women that have great pain to know that I love you and pray for you often.  I can only understand what I have experienced but I am always here to support you and love you and lift you if I can!  I found this INCREDIBLE poem that I thought summed up some of the love, joy AND pain felt by a birth mother:

I knew it was happening.. before I had proof it was happening
I knew I couldn't do it before anyone told me I couldn't do it
Not because I didn't want to but Because I was so young
Not because I didn't love you. Simply, because I was not ready I knew you would suffer in some way..
I knew i loved you from day one
I didn't know how to tell anyone or what to do
I knew I would face turmoil much more than that of which was already felt inside
I knew they wouldn't understand
I just knew I loved you and wanted you to someday understand
The truth came out and just as I knew they wouldn't, they didn't understand
I wanted adoption because I loved you.
I have never felt so alone....
I knew i wasn't
I did the best for you each and every day
Then came the day that I knew..
I knew you were a beautiful girl
I knew before anyone else knew
Then that day came that I felt you moving...
I knew this would surely be the hardest thing I'd ever do
I knew adoption would cause me Heartache I just knew
That day came
I knew it was going to be your Birthday..
I knew I was strong enough I just knew
OMG.. Is this really Happening..
I knew your Daddy needed to be there
I saw your beautiful face
I knew I needed more strength..
I never knew I'd feel this kind of love I really never knew
I needed to make so many critical decisions...
I knew I had to do it
The love in my heart gave me the strength i needed
I cried... O how I cried.. Is this the right choice?
How do I go on without her??
Who will love her like I do??
Can I keep her? Can this work? Can I do it?
I knew I couldn't
I knew they would love you.
I knew you'd be ok.
I knew I had to say Goodbye
I held you tight and kissed your tiny face I held your tiny hand in mine
I loved you from day one. I will love you for a lifetime.
I felt so empty for so long
I knew only one other person could feel that emptiness
I knew your Daddy felt it too
I knew i couldn't possibly make it through this I'd surely give up
I knew one day we'd meet again and I knew for you I had to go on.
I love you with all the love in my heart.
I hope you Know this...

 I thought it was so powerful and I am thankful for words like these….when I am always so lost in thought…there are others that express the moments perfectly!  Thank you to whoever wrote this poem…I am honored to share it today! 
I truly believe that we as women are all mothers.  That is is in our divine nature to be a mother.  I know that no matter how motherhood finds us, it is the most magical and wonderful thing.  I know that I am blessed and have children of my own but I KNOW that I have been able to "mother" in so many ways outside of my family...I know there are many waiting for a chance to be a mother and I want you to know that you already are.  I know that it may not be in the form that you had planned for yourself but for now, embrace it......share it......use that talent.....we are BLESSED WOMEN! 

I want you all to know....from the bottom of my heart that I love all the women and mothers that cross my path...I pray for you and think of you often!!!  I pray that you will all find the joy in motherhood that I have....in whatever capacity that presents itself to you! 

A soecial thank you to a few women in my life.
My mother.  I think that my mom and I had a typical relationship growing up.  Tons of love and support with plenty of bumping heads and disagreements.  I am certain that I caused her way more than the allotted amount of pain that a child should be able to inflict on their mother….the pain that was caused lasted way past my teen and high school years and I know still stings today.  BUT today I can say that my mom and I are in a beautiful place and are great friends!!!  My mom is the ultimate Big Tough Girl.  She actually is the one that helped me decide on that phrase…it was one that we used many times in life…claiming that we were big tough girls before we stepped up to the plate of any big challenge.  We knew that we could survive…my mom, sister and I used that phrase a lot in our house…and still do to this day.  I am blessed to have my mother.  I don’t know what else I can say about her except that she is strong, and faithful and has been one of the best examples of a woman and a mother in my life!

Derek’s mother.  What do you say about the woman that adopted your child.  I have been reading so many posts by adoptive families and birth moms about the “Adoptive Mother” celebrating Mother’s Day.  For some it is a painful and sad day, knowing that there is a void…a day celebrating our natural birth right and not having a child in their life.  I am so honored to have been able to bless her with a boy.  She is the most amazing woman and I owe her everything...I owe her the second chance at life that she gave me!!!  I love her and honor her in every way possible!  What an amazing person and I couldn't have picked a better mother to raise our son! 
....I know I have been rambling and jumping around during this post and I am sorry!....this is so sensitive to me and I have been crying all day...I am so blessed and I LOVE MY BABIES and so grateful to be a mother and a birth mother....
....nothing left to say.....

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