*as always for a post like this....I am putting the famous Ashley disclaimer...you may not like what you read, I make no apologies for my opinions, my experiences or my life! :) LOVE YOU!
Ok....So as I was saying...I can't believe that this is my life. I have been thinking so much about the past and the experiences that I have had and I am amazed that I am not under the table at the bottom of a bottle right now....been there, done that...but I am proud of myself that as I reflect now I don't feel like I need to go there to cope...which really is a miracle in itself. (will talk more about that in a minute)
When I sit down at my computer and start answering emails from other birth moms or adoptive parents through BIB I cry and cry and I sit in shock...really??? This is my life?? I am a birth mom and I am sharing such incredible or heartbreaking stories?? WOW...how did this happen?? (well we ALL know HOW it happened...I will save you the Sex Education talk)...but HOW DID THIS HAPPEN??!!!! I spent so much time trying to hide that fact that I was pregnant...and then tried to hide the fact that I had a baby...in fact it wasn't until about the end of 2010 that I went public with the fact that I was a birth mom...that I had been through so much...that I was reaching out to help others. It wasn't that I was ashamed but I was such a MESS that I couldn't even look in the mirror let alone try and help others to do the same.
So many things have been pulling on me lately....so many things have me doubting myself and who I am...what I am....where I should or shouldn't be....I have been in a funk lately and I have been trying to figure out what needs to happen to get out of it....
I am learning that the month of April kind of puts me in that funk....that no matter how happy I am or how great life is going...this time of year is always hard for me. I know that Derek is happy and healthy and amazing and has the most amazing family....and it is NOT that I changed my mind or think that I made a bad decision...I think that maybe I should be doing more...be doing better....be NOT affected by all of it so many years later...and then I realize that it is ok to be affected by it...that I should be, that I would not be the kind of person I am or have the heart that I do if I didn't care. I don't know how you couldn't.
Being a mother is so hard....I have been feeling very tired and my two kids are exhausting....and financial stress is tiring and I miss my husband every day when he leaves and goes to work and all I want to do is lay in bed....
Yesterday I was thinking about how I "have a brain" and all I do is change butts and pick up after kids and make bottles....that is it..I feel like I get dumber every day! But now as the kids are napping and I am sitting here on my computer writing to you and reading emails from other birth moms I realize that I am so so lucky to get to stay at home with my children...that I am so lucky that my husband has a job to go to every day...that I am so lucky to run this humble little organization just because I want to ...
It has been interesting as I have opened up about my story and shared so many personal things how many people have turned their backs...have not been the friend to me that they once were. I don't know if it is because it is an uncomfortable topic, or because I am so open about it, or because they just don't know how to deal but I heard a talk from President Uchtdorff of the LDS First Presidency and he was talking about a bumper sticker that he once saw and I thought it was brilliant...
"Don't judge me because I sin differently than you!"
How perfect is that statement! I know that we all go through very hard times. I know that we all cope and deal with things differently....lately, I have REALLY NEEDED THAT DRINK. That statement was a staple in my life.. "I need a drink" that is how I coped...and now I say it and my hubby and I laugh a little but he knows it is serious when I say that...and he will hug me and love on me and do whatever he can to ease my pain...knowing that the old staple is not where I need to be....but man I really need that drink this month!
I am glad that I don't take that drink...I am glad that I have different things to cling to...but it is still hard....I talk a lot about BREAKING THAT CYCLE...getting out of old habbits and creating new, healthy choices that keep you out of trouble. That is how I became a birth mom...I was in a cycle of co-dependence, I craved the attention of others and I would do anything to please them. I thought this meant that I was the COOLEST girlfriend in the world...I was casual and just one of the guys and would let the boy do what ever, when ever...and I was funny and pretty and fun and could be anyone you wanted me to be!!! As I have done my own soul work and have broke out of that cycle I realize how lucky I am to find a husband that loves me for me....not who I think he wants me to be...I think that is what is so different...besides our connecting beliefs on so many different levels...I AM ME.....
At some point in any co-dependant situation you forget who you are supposed to be and with whom...so you get caught...get caught trying to please everyone...and you find yourself in situations that you shouldn't be in...
Now I have to stay away from those places and people that tend to bring that worse side of me out...I have learned that no matter how whole I feel there are going to be times that I really need that drink and i am going to have to fight the urge to throw myself back in those cycles...
Alot of people have decided that I am a birth mom and that defines who I am ....that it is some way to describe me or my person...I am not sure how I feel about that. I am a birth mom...it is something that I did...there are many things that I have done that people don't use to define me...I am not the
" drunk girl" or the "married to her third husband girl" or whatever else it may be...but I am a birth mom. It is part of who I am...it is a huge part of who I am...it is not something that you can escape..it is always going to be there, no matter how much I decide to embrace it, there is always going to be a child out there in the world that I decided to give life to, to give to a family...he will always be there! BUT I don't like to focus and talk about the act of being a birth mom...the sex, the birth, the adoption {all amazing and important parts of my story} but I like to focus on the soul work...the "what comes next" part.
I have to keep moving forward.....
I am all about the moving forward...I am all about breaking those cycles and getting into new healthy life choices...I am all about learning from our mistakes...even if we had to make a million to get it finally figured out...I am all about healing and NOT dwelling.
I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe that every April I get into a funk because I gave birth to an amazing and beautiful boy...that I placed him in the arms of another woman...that I walked away signging over all parental rights to that child that lived within me for 9 months...I can't believe that there are so many of us that share a similar back ground...that have the same defining act that makes up part of who they are...This whole world was not even real to me.....was only something that you saw on a movie or a hallmark special....a woman getting pregnant and placing it for adoption....NOW it is every where!!! I can't go anywhere without hearing a story or finding another like me, or seeing something that is related...I started a whole organization just for that purpose....
This is my life!!!!.....this is a part of who I am...this isn't just one chapter in my life...there will be brief mention in EVERY chapter that I write...I am not ashamed of this but is sometimes hits me that it is such a huge part of who I am..of who I have become...what I am known for.
I am a Big Tough Girl....I have learned to be one....In the face of great adversity, I am a Big Tough Girl.
This is my life.........then, now and moving forward.......I gotta get out of this funk and see the great blessing that it truly is...
...but for now it is a heavy burden that weighs on my heart!!!
{thank you to bravegirlsclub for the image}
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I loved that quote from conference also. Thanks for your thoughts, courage, and sharing your heart with so many that need it.
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