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Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Journey to a Big Tough Girl- Part 3

Ok, here we are in the next part of my very very long journey!  I hope you have had a chance to read Part 1 and Part 2.  So after excepting the life that I have lived as a necessary life, and appreciating the "season" of all things good and bad, along with allowing myself some acceptance and forgiveness I am at a stage of total forward thinking.  I have had my time for grieving and now we are moving forward.  NOW-let me clarify, just because the grieving process is over does NOT mean that I never reflect or remember....but I don't dwell any more and that step, when I made that "switch" changed my life.  That is when the path straightened a little, the light at the end of the tunnel got a little brighter and things became more clear.  I had focus and a purpose. 

As a birthmother, taking time to grieve a great loss and shift in your life is a VERY important step to take, and no one is to say how long that time period is. But I am here to encourage those of you that are "stuck" in that time that they work on getting "unstuck" from it.  It can be very very dangerous and the reflection and remembering offers so much more peace than the grievance. 

As I started my forward thinking many things came into play for me...many scary things that I had to face about myself, my actions, those that I was spending my quality time with...when I wanted to move forward I had to unlock the chain of so many things that were holding me back...so many things that I was "attached" to.....including the lies that I had told myself about who I was, what I wanted and what I was worthy of having.  I had to let go of the lies that had attached themselves to me like "I should be ashamed to be a birth mom and never share my story" "I will never had a true love that accepts all of me" "I wont ever have children of my own, nor do I deserve them" "you are not anyone special" "you should be embarassed of the path your life has taken" "you can never recover from this" and I could go on and on and on!  I was READY to let go of all of those lies and I was ready to get rid of the people in my life that caused so much pain, that were holding me back from all the things that my heart truly desired and that I truly deserved! 

It was NOT easy to switch modes....from living in grief to living in forward thinking.  I spent years at the bottom of a bottle, in the beds of strangers, and in the darkest parts of my soul grieving over the loss of what might have been, the loss of possibilities, the loss of the sense of self and so much more.  I promise you.....I PROMISE YOU that the light feels amazing!!!

When I opened myself up to the truth and understanding of who I really was and what I really wanted so many doors became open to me and it became easier and easier to shut some other doors and throw away the key.  When I learned to live in forward thinking I was able to see my future, not my past and it was so motivating!!!

 When I looked forward I saw things like my husband

and my daughter

and our family

and a community of people that I love

I would miss so much if I was focusing on the past, grieving and stuck.  Now by thinking forward I am able to see the life in front of me, potential that lies before me and ALSO the ability to reflect and remember in a healthy and positive light!  I can look back at my experience and time with my son and have a smile on face and tears of joy on my cheeks instead of dark anger and despair.....and LOOK AT HIM...I don't want to ever have feelings of despair when I look at his adorable face!

I am so blessed, after everything that I have been through, the roads that my life has taken I am so amazed that I am sitting here today writing that I AM BLESSED!  How powerful is that!  I, at the end of the day am looking forward at my life and I am blessed!  I have a husband that loves me, a daughter that makes my world spin, a son on the way, a community that I care deeply about, a faith that I could not live without, a family that is my rock, a son that is being raised and loved by the most incredible family and so much more!  TRUST me, these were not things that I EVER THOUGHT that I would have!!  I am living my life in forward thinking.....

There is too much ahead of me and I don't want to miss it!! 

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