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Thursday, September 22, 2011

Journey to a Big Tough Girl-Part 2

I am back to share more of my story that started a few weekends ago...you can read Part 1 HERE.  I talked alot about how this life that I am living was NOT the life that I planned for myself but was the EXACT life that I was supposed to live for everything else to fall into place.  The choices that I have made, and even the choices that other people have made, have created this life that I am now living.  Here I am in Part 2 of this journey that I am sharing with you and I am also realizing that not only is this the life that I was supposed to live but that EVERYTHING has a season.  Nothing will stay the same forever...the gifts and blessings, and the heartache and trials will have a season and then it will be time for something new to come in....

As the season has literally been changing all around me and it becomes FALL, which by the way is one of my all time faves of the year, I have been thinking so much about the season of things....how I have had so many times in my life when I never thought that things would get better or change......and yet they always so and how quickly I forget when something else comes along that I never think I can survive! 

There are a few things that I have learned and am still learning as I have spent the last month or so really pondering the shelf life of the events that have taken place.  I wish that I would have had the knowledge that I do now...I wish I would have know that "this too shall pass".....here is why!  I would have EMBRACED every moment of those events...YES even the bad, hard, life crushing ones!  I would have tried to learn more from the experience, grow from it, overcome it, change it, accept it....not let it send me into the abyss that was my life for 10 years were the hits just kept on coming....YES I may have been down and out for a little bit but if I could have understood that it was only going to last through its "season" then I could have survived the storm.  Now that I am on the other end of this 10 year rollercoaster, I am trying to go back and learn things from my experiences and it is a lot harder that way.  I have forgotten things and I am misunderstanding the purpose of things.  I have anger and bitterness that block my view.  I have the scars as a constant reminder instead of learning during the battle how to fight.

Everything has a SEASON......everything changes....and sometimes right in front of our eyes....and sometimes it can take years for some understanding to come into focus....I encourage you to find the strength and courage to embrace the storm as it comes....ride through the winter and come out in the spring...embrace your trials....embrace your blessings....because in a blink of an eye they will be gone and then you will be off dealing with the next set of trials or blessings and you quickly forget what season you just came out of...the battle that you just fought....the scars that were left behind. 

Along with the understanding that everything has a season, is the great challenge of acceptance and forgiveness.  THIS IS SO SO HARD....it is hard for EVERYONE but I think that as a birthmom I have struggled with that more than some...maybe more than most...I have 10 years of lost battles to prove it.  It takes a LOT to look at yourself, those around you, the situation and find some acceptance of what has happened....knowing that it is for a short time and that it will soon change into the next thing....Acceptance of the situation, acceptance of others, acceptance of yourself!!!!!!!  SO SO difficult.  But I promise you that if you can't accept what happened, find the lessons and role to the next season you will never heal, you will never move past and you will never gain understanding of the bigger picture! 

Along with the acceptance comes FORGIVENESS!  OH, one of the hardest words for a birthmom to swallow!  This word touches so many levels that it is hard to wrap your head around it all....and there are so many involved in this world that is ours that dishing out forgiveness to everyone NO MATTER the situation is not something that as a birthmom I was very good at......it has taken YEARS and even now that are some things that I can't deal with....I feel like there has been forgiveness given and closure but I have had to set major boundaries for myself so that I don't get sucked back into the same cycle which is VERY VERY difficult if you have ever been through what a birthmom has been through.  

Who did I have to forgive to get to where I am??  To make this journey possible, to make the end result that I will share with you a reality....????  EVERYONE and EVERYTHING.....but most importantly, myself.  I had to let myself off the hook, I had to stop punishing myself and everyone around me for my guilt and lack of confidence in myself....I made some mistakes, I made some drastic...life changing mistakes....and they piled onto each other the more I ignored them and didn't deal with them....but I had to accept the fact that they happened...I embarassed myself and others close to me alot...and I had to face that so that I could move forward...move UP!  You can't go anywhere but down if you let all those things pile up....they weigh on your shoulders and you can't climb that ladder carrying all the weight!!

I was too afraid to even step onto the ladder.  I wanted to stay at the bottom...I was so heavy with guilt and anger and lack of acceptance and in denial of change that I let myself get left behind at the bottom for years and years....and waisted so much time and energy destroying my life, my potential, my desires and my heart.  

Everything has a season....it will pass and what you learn in the FALL with help you survive the WINTER....accept life and the changes that come...find forgiveness in all things...take the steps up the ladder...remove the burdens from your shoulders and CLIMB!!!!!!! 

So much more to share about my incredible journey....stay tuned!!!!


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