6 years....

Today is Derek's birthday.  For those of you that are new to BIB....Derek is my son that I placed for adoption....he is 6 years old today.

This time of year is always extra emotional for me and a VERY busy time of year.  January my husband and I celebrate our son's birthday, in February it is MY season and my daughters birthday, March is anniversary month and April is all about Derek! 

I had a quick FB conversation with a dear friend and birth mom in Arizona and I was telling her that I can never really decide how I feel on Derek's big day...and that it changes every year.  She brilliantly explains to me that depending on the stage that we are in with our own lives kind of determones how we feel on those big days!  I think about Derek often throughout my daily routines because it is a part of me...BUT the birthday is a little different...A LOT DIFFERENT...for me any way. 

But she was right....I can think of years during Derek's birthday that were horrible and I didn't even want to get out of bed....and there were years that I cry and remember a lot but am at peace and am very happy.  Ever since my son Oliver was born I have been spending a lot more time thinking of Derek and thinking about him and his dad....me and my dad and my husband and Ollie. 

I got to talk with Derek's mom on the phone yesterday....I don't think we have ever had a conversation that doens't have tears shed at one point or another!  It always brings me so much peace to talk to her to know that he is happy, adjusted and so so loved....then he got on the phone and I got to talk to him...we started talking and this is what he says to his mother "Mom, who is this?" hahaha....then as soon as he hears my name the conversation changes and he is happier to talk to me and share all of his birthday wishes! 

I have been sitting here and I have been wanting to write this amazing, emotional and profound post about how I feel this year but I can't really describe how I feel this year!  I have the usual tears, and sadness and smiles and peace and feelings of loss but that is all normal birth mom stuff.....this year there was more.....something different....and I can't put my finger on it!  hmmmmmm

I guess we will have something to sort through during GROUP this month!!  Thank goodness for GROUP! 

I love Derek, I am proud of him and who he is becoming....I give all the credit to his amazing mother!!!  I could not have picked a better family for him and I feel so blessed to have been inspired in my choice. 


I can't believe that being a birth mom is part of who I am........a post coming soon I think!..

..to be continued!