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Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Power of Two

Because it is National Adoption Month this month I thought I should share adoption stories, thoughts etc...And I know I will be pulling out some oldies and adding some new ones to the list so stay tuned for more blogging this month. 

For the past few days I have been thinking about my adoption and things that were going through my mind as I was getting ready to make my decision, pick a family, relinquish my rights as a parent, the birthfather {Idaho} etc.  I was also looking at my life now thinking "how did I ever make that decision...how did I ever survive that process"!  Especially now that my husband and I have a daughter that is 22 months and a baby boy due in January...I don't know how I was able to go through that...to give birth to that amazing boy that was living and growing and a part of me for nine months, and then to bring him life, and then to hold him and love him and KNOW him and then to hand him over to someone else to take for time and eternity!  WOW...knowing what I know now as a parent I really don't know how I did that!

I have been thinking about the "deciding factors" How did I make that decision...what was the one thing that was the deal breaker for me, that put me off the decision to care for that sweet boy alone...I have an amazing support system around me, he would have been very loved and cared for...what was it???  And as I looked around at my own life and what I have that I didn't then that makes this whole parenting thing "easier" is my partner......and I realized that the deciding factor was THE POWER OF TWO.

I wanted my son to have parents...two parents, a mom and a dad.  A loving, nurturing mother that would care for him and raise him and teach him...A loving, hard working father that would teach respect and would discipline and set an example for...I wanted him to have the best of both worlds living under the same roof!

My heart goes out to all the single mothers out there.  I have MANY friends that are single mothers, some by choice and some by cirrcumstance and I swear I don't know how they survive!!!...I don't know how they make it through their day on their own. It is NOT impossible but I know that in a perfect world..every single one of them would rather a partner, someone to help pick up the slack, give them a break, take on the role that as women we were not designed to handle.  They do everything that they have to for their babies...they are amazing Big Tough Girls....but at then end of the day....they wish for the POWER OF TWO.

We can't ALL be Lorelai Gilmore! {sorry I know that we all watched that and thought at one point or another...I COULD totally be her...yeah, we can't really because we don't live in Stars Hollow!}  We aren't all the fabulous, gorgeous, successful, witty, amazing people that Lorelai is and we sure aren't all going to have kids as amazing, smart, responsible and respectful as Rory.....and even in the end all Lorelai wanted was someone to pick up the slack...to love...to be there with her...to make her more powerful!

I know in MY OWN life that I would not be the kind of mother that my daughter needs or the kind of mother that my son is going to need if it wasn't for my partner!  He brings a great balance to our home, to my children's life and to my sanity!  He leads, he re-confirms what I strive to teach, he disciplines, he PLAYS, he loves in a way that only a  father can.  I know that fathers come in all shapes and sizes and "father figures, or father roles" can come from many places but there is something different about that FULL TIME FATHER.....I know that a "part time" {Idaho} would have NEVER been enough for what our son needed!...

I know that there are never any guarantees in this life.  I know that situations occur all the time, that in the world we live in the FAMILY is being attacked and that society is painting a picture of family with many missing pieces.  I have been thinking back to the day that I met the adoptive family that I had chosen to take my son.  I, along with my parents {who have been married for 34 years} sat in the conference room at the agency and waited for this family to arrive.  I had many questions in my head that I wanted to ask...that I wanted to discover about them in the few short hours that we had together.  I was looking for some comfort in the decision that I had made...As we all sat and talked and laughed and asked questions I got very serious and starting asking questions about their marriage, how they met, what they fight about, how they get through their fights, what did they truly believe in about marriage and family, what did they want for their children etc.  My parents just sat there, mouths open wondering how I was asking such personal, bold questions....then again, I was the one giving them my son so I was entitled to a little insight! 

A week or so after our meeting a received a letter from the beautiful adoptive mother thanking me for such an amazing meeting, thanking me for asking the questions that I did, thanking me for still holding great value about marriage and family, thanking me for knowing that the most important thing was that he had two loving parents..not just me and a support system around me...knowing that she couldn't necissarily raise my son better than me...BUT SHE HAD THE POWER OF TWO and she knew how important that was!

We as birthmothers have the POWER to change our child's story!  It doesn't have to be that mom was abandonded by the birthfather, or grandma didn't want to help with the baby, or I didn't have the money or that I was abused or worse and didn't have a choice...that does NOT HAVE to be your child's story!  It can be beautiful and a story of LOVE and sacrifice and giving and understanding and the POWER OF TWO.  We get to decide the fate of our children....as babies we set the tone from very early on how their life is going to be....that is ALOT of pressure and a great responsibility as a parent....choosing the POWER OF TWO was the very smartest, most loving and most responsible decision that I have EVER made....I chose to give my son the POWER OF TWO...I chose to wait to have other children until I was part of the TWO...I choose to be a voice for the POWER OF TWO! 

I have a great, deep, unshaking belief of the family system and how it was designed.  I know that it requires the whole package to function.  Life is life and things happen that don't always make for the ideal family and there is LOVE to be found all around, there are substititutes that would go to great lengths to make those times easier....BUT there is a great divine reverence about THE POWER OF TWO and what a man and a woman can accomplish together! 

As a birthmother I am so so so grateful for my parents that showed me that power, I am so grateful that I was able to recognize the importance of that power in my own life, in my childrens lives, I am so grateful for the adoptive family that sat in that meeting room with me and expressed their same deep and unshaking  belief of family and what it means to have the power, I am so grateful for the single moms out there that find it in them to use the power that they have.....and are still looking for the NUMBER TWO knowing how much stronger they will be with it then without it! 

Two really is so much better than one!

1 comment:

  1. Ashley,
    I want you to know that I chose the same family for the same reason. I wanted Sierra to grow up with the power of two in her everyday life and that is why I have never wavered on my choice of adoption.


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