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Thursday, April 14, 2011

Not the Bad Guy...Just the Wrong Guy

I {Ashley} had such a huge response on my {5 year Journey post} and I was so touched. I received many emails and I had several people point out that through that whole thing I did not mention the birth father ONCE...I had to laugh at myself because I have spent some many hours over the past 5 years trying NOT to mention him and now...after all this time I credit him for NOTHING that I have accomplished...I have been asked by many birth moms how I "deal" with the birth father issues...so I decided that it was time to FIANLLY post about him, our situation, moving on without him, the drama and the reality!

*as always here is my disclaimer about this post...this is from my perspective and I can't promise that you are going to agree with what I have to say...but I hope you will read anyway!!!

There are so many different directions that this journey goes and I am not even sure where to start or how to get my point across so please try and hang in there through this rollercoaster of a post.

*we will be calling the birth father {Idaho} to keep his privacy. See how we are being the bigger person!

I met {Idaho} back in 2002. I was flying out of Vegas to get a job settled in Idaho with ChatterBox. He sat down next to me on an airplane and that is where it started. We had a very casual relationship. We lived in different places for the first year or so..it was random trips here and there, and many late night phone calls. I was living in Idaho...he had many friends and in the area. He was in Utah and would come into town off and on. I was a few years older than {Idaho}.

I don't know what it was about him...but I was very attracted to him, committed to him, manipulated by him, blinded by him, emotionally drained by him, and controlled by him. He asked me to jump and I said how high. I was used and controlled over and over and over and put myself in situations that I normally would have never participated in. I did everything I could to please him and was very much in love {infatuated} with him. I look back now and am just baffled at how I let it get to all of that. I can't really blame him for the control and manipulation....I let him, I let him do whatever he wanted and talk to me however he wanted, and use me however he wanted..I just wanted him to love me and didn't know any better. I didn't know how to truly gain love from someone. I let him completely distroy my financial situation...putting me in debt from gambling, drinking, road trips, paying his bills instead of mine, going thousands of dollars debt and have my car taken from me...depending on my parents to help me out of these crazy situations.....I LET HIM!!!!

It makes me so frustrated to look back now...I know that I can't change it but I still deal with the consequences of the financial issues that we created together. We went on like this for many years...I had moved, more like {followed} him to several different states and was living, BARELY living, just to be near him...so if he happened to want to spend time with me I was close. I found myself pregnant and left with no other choice but to move home.

Then it was another 9 months of control and abuse...he was the biggest reason that I took my steps into the abortion clinic...Like I said....I TAKE responsibility for the choices that I made...but I was greatly influenced by him and his lack of desire or interest in me. I worked through all the details of the adoption with my parents and myself...I tried to force him to be involved and was SO SO angry that he didn't {care}, that he didn't show the kind of support that I THOUGHT that he should, that he didn't tell any family or friends, that he didn't make any effort to be with me...love me...support me....NOTHING! I was so angry, upset, sad, heart broken and yet...still allowed him to control and manipulate me...still I LET HIM! I know that we all have different stories and different situations...but I see so many birth moms talk horribly about the {birth father} but we aren't always honest...we don't always take responsibility...we don't always like to admit that we allowed so much to happen.. I am learning more and more that all the things that happened didn't make {Idaho} the BAD GUY...It just made him the WRONG GUY!!!....wow....how powerful is that!!!!! Not the bad guy just the wrong guy!!

I could repeat that over and over and over and I hope that those of you girls that are dealing with that will remember those words as well!!! We all contributed to the situation that we are in...we all got pregnant, we all allowed things to happen, we all were too weak at one point to stop the control and manipulation...we are responsible..JUST AS responsible as the birth father...all of our anger is flushed to him because we can't understand, we are too young or still too controlled by his {powers}...but the bottom line...HE IS NOT THE BAD GUY...JUST THE WRONG GUY!!!

Now...let us be clear. I know that 90% of the situations with the birth father are ugly and unfair and the guy gets the blame. But I want you all to know...and to keep faith that there are GOOD GUYS out there that are hurting just as much as you..they are still loosing a child. My all time favorite Birth Father post is {Baby Darling}..man this guy is a saint! Ladies if you are going through your "boys suck and all boys are jerks and I will never trust again" phase please take time to read his blog. He hurts, he lost a daughter, he is a birth father and his options were taken from him. I am not sitting here preaching that men suck...I am married to an amazing man that loves me unconditionally. I am not sitting here preaching that men are awesome and that they don't do wrong..I was hurt badly by a man that I thought I loved and that I had a child with... Here is WHAT I AM PREACHING....you CAN NOT control HIM!!!!! You do not have any control or any say in how he is going to act, how he is going to treat you, how he is going to support you, how he is going to deal and morn....YOU CAN NOT CONTROL that. The only thing you can do is CONTROL YOU! You can decide how you are going to be treated, supported, loved, taken care of....ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE!!! And if you are not getting what you want AND deserve then he is not the bad guy...just the wrong guy.. Ladies...part of rising above and being a big tough girl is learning to move forward with some bit of self respect. To rebuild the STRONG you and not letting others determine who you are and where you are going!!

I know it is hard...TRUST ME! I know it is hard...I still get caught in the {Idaho} yo-yo..even now..I know how hard it is! But sitting around and being mad and hurt and frustrated that he isn't acting how YOU think he should is NOT accomplishing anything...let it go, walk away, have some respect, love yourself and your child, live your life...and if you have a man that loves you and is supporting you and treats you like the queen that you are hold on to him and let this experience bring you closer together! Ladies-don't let yourself be bitter...you have too many things to deal with and face..don't let him bring you down!! Take responsibility for YOUR part in this situation..apologize for what you need to and let the rest go! He is NOT THE BAD GUY...just THE WRONG GUY! Mr. Right is out there...you can find someone that loves you unconditionally and respects you, supports you, holds you, understands you...I found it, you can find it!


  1. "We all contributed to the situation that we are in...we all got pregnant, we all allowed things to happen, we all were too weak at one point to stop the control and manipulation"

    Not all of us. It's probably not the common birthmother story but mine was because of abuse. I didn't contribute to the situation and I wasn't too weak to stop because I never agreed to it in the first place. It has taken me a long time to accept that it wasnt anything I did. Some guys ARE bad guys.

  2. Dear Anonymous,
    It breaks my heart to hear of situations like yours...and like we have said many times " You do not have any control or any say in how he is going to act, how he is going to treat you, The only thing you can do is CONTROL YOU! You can decide how you are going to be treated, supported, loved, taken care of....ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE!!! ". I know that everyone experiences different things when they are faced with the decision for adoption, the only thing that we have in common is the end result. The MOST IMPORTANT thing is that you are in a place where you can understand what happened. I don't know the whole story and I don't know the events leading up to the end...everything that we see in our lives and experience is an effect of our own choices from going left instead of right, to buying this instead of that, from saying yes instead of no, from putting up with it or getting out. There IS A LINE that men cross by themselves or they are invited to cross..the end result of that is TRAGIC and HEARTBREAKING and INEXCUSABLE.
    That is why we put the *disclaimer*...this is coming from one point of view...it is NOT speaking for every person in EVERY situation. We deal with women every day that were abused and/or raped...We hope that you understand that we love you and truly hope that you have found some peace in your situation. Even those that are abused may not be able to control a situation, be strong enough to get out, to see what is happening....whether that be physical, mental or emotional...I was emotionaly abused and still found some fault of my own.
    We love you and hope that you are continuing to find peace and love from those around you...it is about you and moving forward to live your divenly-inspired life.
    We loved you!...You are a Big Tough Girl!!!!


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