I will be answering these questions from my perspective now...
1) - How old are you? 30
2) - Did you think about the consequences before you decided to have unprotected sex and if so, what did you think about? this is a hard question. I grew up in the LDS church where we were taught about the fact that it was a sin to have pre-marital sex but the consequences weren't always talked about, and it wasn't talked about in our home. After I graduated High School I got married when I was nineteen. I had never had sex so it was all new and exciting. I was divorced several years later and after being married, being in a relationship without the sex was a VERY difficult concept. It wasn't that I didn't believe in protection, I didn't know a whole lot about it...again, not much of that was addressed growing up....not blaming my parents in any way, I don't know today if my mom and I could sit in the same room and talk about sex. I never took on the responsibility of protecting myself, and obviously when I was dating the "father" I thought that there was more love than that. I NEVER thought that it would or could happen to me...I wish I would have been more educated. I wish that it hadn't been such a hard topic to talk about, I wish I trusted my parents more...I am sure they would have talked to me about it if I would have asked...but their experience to me seemed limited...what did they know about casual sex???
3) - Where is the father? The father lives in Idaho. He signed over his rights before the baby was even born. He to this day has not told family or friends that he fathered a child.
4) - Why are you choosing to give the baby up for adoption? I knew without a doubt in my mind that if I had kept Derek then he would have been loved and taken care of. But not the way that I always dreamed...He needed a mom and dad along with all other family members. He deserved a life that I couldn't give, he did not need to be punished because of my poor life decisions...I needed to give him more than that...it was the only thing I could offer him. I have to say though...if I knew then what I know now, I don't know if I would have been strong enough to give that baby up. Having a daughter of my own and feeling that love for a child....HOW in the HELL was I able to disconnect and remove myself long enough to follow through with that decision. I know that my Father in Heaven played a huge roll in giving me that strength...that is why BIB's slogan is "Big, Tough Girl"
5) - Knowing you're the mom, how will you cope with missing birthdays, swim lessons, bike lessons, baseball games, dance recitals, lip stick, first dates, high school graduation, etc? Every year on April 4th I pull out my "Derek" box that is filled with pictures, letters, stuff from my basket that I received and just remember, cry, get angry...go through every emotion that you can think of. The every day stuff is easier to not think about. Because humans in general are selfish people we get so involved in our own things that I don't even think about the swim lessons and the fishing trips and the parent teacher conferences. I think about the big events, the birthdays, the high school reunions, the wedding day, the birth of a "grandchild" those types of things....I promise that to a birth mom the "what-ifs" are the most deadly questions you can ask yourself. You can drive yourself in sane asking and wondering. There really isn't anything you can do but pray that you made the right decision in that family that you chose and have faith that he is ok. How bad does that suck!!!! The birthdays are the hardest for me.....that is a dark day in my year.
6) - Who is your support system? Tell us about those relationships? Family, Family, Family!! Because my whole pregnancy was a secret I didn't have any around me that offered support, not that it wasn't available, I just didn't take it. I would have loved an organization like BIB because it would have been some place that I could have gone to privately for some help, advice, comfort. After I told my family then that was all I needed at that point in my life, there are still my BIGGEST support and still the ONLY support that I care to have.
7) - Do you think you'll ever have kids again? This always scared me to death because I knew that I would be thinking about Derek the whole time I was pregnant and going through the preparations of being a real mom. I just wrote a blog not very long ago called Then and Now, it was comparing the two pregnancies. It was VERY difficult for me the second time, I thought about Derek all the time and that made the emotions a lot worse...I was dealing with cancer and surgery and pregnancy and the haunting of my first child....it was very difficult...I wouldn't trade my miracle daughter for anything in this world...How did I do it, how did I give up my child............sorry, I get emotional (totally crying right now) having my second child was a totally different experience but very difficult one and Derek was VERY present through all of it.
8) - What are the lessons that you've learned throughout this whole process? Oh my goodness, I can't even put this into words...what I have learned is what I hope my organization represents. We are human, we make mistakes, how we rise above our mistakes determines who we are and what we are made of, family is everything, we deserve forgiveness and a chance at a new life free of shame and guilt....
9) - How would you advise a friend that was in the same position you are in? What would you tell them to do? Placing my baby for adoption was the best decision in the world, not just for me but for every single person involved....and it almost BROKE me. The baby deserves more than what you could ever give, even as a parent now I think that my daughter deserves more, you just can't ever be good enough and to go it alone is the most selfish, ignorant decision that these young mothers could make. Be okay with being broken, but DO NOT waist your experience, don't let that great sacrifice ruin you, make it a part of you, a part of your strength. If your child comes back to you one day....be able to be proud of who you are, so that they will be proud of what you did.
10) - Do you have any regrets about your decision? I think about if I regret that I got pregnant....every single day I wish that strip never turned pink. I am lucky that things have turned out the way that they did....I turned a horrible situation into a great gift and act of sacrifice...but just because something positive came out of it doesn't make it worth the action...it should never have taken place.
11) - What do your peers and your family members think about it all? I don't know, Todd what do you think??? I was sitting in the parking lot of LDS Family Services when I called each of my siblings and gave them the news. No one really talked about the events after they happened...I think it is hard to talk about...which is what we want to try and eliminate...I want people to be able to talk about it!!!!! WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT!!! I remember my sister asking me if she could adopt him. She is a mother of 4 and was trying to save me from the pain and sacrifice of giving up my child....she is pretty amazing!!!! I think it was hard on every one and I was devestated to hurt them, to embarrass them, to disrespect them. I think they have different opinions now, almost 5 years later...they have been waiting along time to see me become more that what I was....we are getting there!! All I know is that I would NOT be sitting here physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually if it was not for my family....they saved me, I was dying and they brought me back to life. (crying again damn it!)
12) - What do you hope for in regards to your child's life? I hope that my son never needs to "find" me...not because I don't want to see him but because I hope that the family I picked out is his family, that Lana IS HIS MOM, that he never feels that emptiness or that hole that needs to be filled. I hope that he is so freaking happy that he doesn't ever, ever, ever have the desire to look for his mom....he knows who his mom is and that is all he needs!!! I hope that for him every single day....
13) - How does what you're doing in giving this baby up, make a better life for this individual? Simple, FAMILY
14) - Why did you pick the family you did? My final decision came down to two things...1. They had already adopted one child, I felt like Derek would have a sibling that was the "same" as him, maybe he wouldn't feel as different because his sister was adopted also! and 2. The father had a wife and two girls, bottom line....he needed a son and I could give that to him. I spent my life watching in envy of my brothers and dad doing some many incredible things together...I knew that my son HAD to have that...and now he does.
15) - What was your number one criteria in picking a family and why? I wanted them to be a member of the LDS church....I wanted Derek to grow up in the gospel. I am not saying that bad things don't happen to LDS people, obviously...look at me...but in a world that is so corrupt and ugly, I knew that he would need all the help he could get to survive and that foundation built upon my Savior and Father in Heaven was something that I was NOT willing to give up for him. Just because I wasn't living it at the time did NOT mean that I didn't understand the importance. I would not have traded that in a household for all the money in the world.
16) - If you had one thing to say to the new family picking up the baby, what would it be? Love him for me, (holy cow...crying again already...this would have been great on camera!)....love him for me, kiss him for me, raise him to respect women, raise him to love his family and to love the Gospel. Teach him to respect his sisters, tell him that he was loved, that he is a miracle on this earth, that he has been chosen to do great things, teach him of sacrifice and love, tell him that you love him every day, tell him that he has something special inside of him, tell him that his heartbeat is the most cherished sound in the whole world.......(not going to get through this....) ..............................................................................you are his family...................BE HIS FAMILY............don't ever take for granted the great sacrifice that I made, don't waist your time with my son.
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Wow. I am not sure what to say...so honest and brave. I have so much respect for you, you are a true parent, putting your child's needs ahead of your own. Derek is truly blessed.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Thank you, Thank you! It has been an incredibly journey that has brought us here...We are big fans of yours and feel honored that you stopped by for a visit!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you again for your sweet words!