On Tuesday August 23, 2011 BIB received an email from a dear adoptive family and they were hoping to get a basket for their birth mom! Here is their message:
"Hello Ashley,
I have just recently found your blog and I love what you are doing! We have adopted 2 boys (4 years and 16 months). In June we were surprised to have our adoption agency call even though we were not officially on the wait list. It turned out there was a birth mother interested in placing with us. Anyway, long story short, she did pick our family and is going to be induced September 21st. She went into early labor a couple of weeks ago and is on bedrest now, so it could be before then! I would love to give her one of your baskets at the hospital. Is that something you can do? I read somewhere you prefered to send them after placement, but she vocalized to me how sad she was going to be to leave the hospital empty handed and I know this isn't much, but perhaps it will help.
Thank you,
xxxxxxx"
We responded that of course we would be MORE than happy to send a basket...asked for the usual information and then we went along with our business. I hadn't heard from xxxxx and was going to contact them again to see if they were still interested in a basket when.....
On Sunday August 28, 2011 I received another email and was just horrified at what it said:
"Thank you so much Ashley. It ended up that the whole thing was a scam. I appreciate you getting back with me.
Thanks,
xxxxxxx"
I immediately went to the link that she sent me and read their whole story of what they had just been through!!! I was physically ill at what this young lady had done to this family!! The birth mom, ADM from Bishopville, SC has put this amazing family through more than I can even imagine and I have a few things to say about that but first I want to share the story from the adoptive family:
FAKE BABY
"A fake baby. Fake 4 months of getting fake pictures like the one above, being told you were the family for this fake child. Four months of dreaming of this fake little girl. Four months of bending over backward to help a fake birth mom through the fake hard times that were totally viable things a real true birth mother would go through. Four months of her meticulously telling us about the things the baby was doing and doctor appointments and how much they think the baby weighed. Stories about what the doctor told her and what she told the doctor. Stories, fake people, lies, all meticulously put in place. Three visits by the social worker to the fake birth mom. We were all played. For what?
It all lead up to Thursday. Thursday she had a fake infection and was in the "hospital." She was so concerned for the health of the fake baby. I spent all this time reassuring her the baby was going to be okay. She tells us that the fake doctor told her that she was going to have to deliver the fake baby a month early. She is freaking out. She needs reassurance. I totally feel I need to go to her in the hospital. I ask xxxxxx to take the day off work and watch the kids so I can go help her through her fake hard times. She calls on Friday and says she is dilated to a 6. She is having the baby. We frantically pack. We get to the hospital. What? There is no one by the name at the hospital. Oh, she says she is under an alias and not in the computer. What room are you in? 402 she tells us. Nope, 608, "they moved me." They say there is no one in that room. "What building? Where are you?" She runs us around the hospital. She describes specific areas of where to be. For 2 hours we wait for her to tell us how to get to her. She said she had the baby. We totally think she is just out of it. She just had a baby, right? She is on pain killers. xxxx sees. xxxxx knows it is fake. I can't believe it. I keep holding on to the fact that I know this girl. I have talked to her at least twice a week. She has told me in detail so much about this baby that makes perfect sense. I have to hear it from the horse's mouth. I still keep holding on that the circumstance is that we just can't get to where she is. She keeps talking about the baby. Keeps saying she is just so concerned about the fake baby. She keeps distracting me on the phone, talking about the baby. She creates a fake sister. The fake sister is supposed to meet us outside. We drive around some more. Can't find the sister. I talk to the fake sister on the phone. Gosh she sounds a lot like fake birth mom, but they are sisters, so maybe they just sound the same. Oh, sister had to go back up to the room. Ok. Boys are in the car and have been for 4 hours. We need to eat. Leave the hospital. xxxxx suggests I talk to a nurse. Perfect idea. Call birth mom, takes her a while to get the fake nurse on the phone. The fake nurse totally sounds like fake sister. I ask if it is the fake sister. Fake sister says no. I ask her to give me the phone number to the nurse's station and I will call her back. She gives me a number. I call the number. It is an OB/GYN doctor's office. Uh, xxxxxx sees, but I think maybe the "nurse" accidentally gave me the number to the office she works at rather than the nurses' station. I keep having hope. Call social worker. Perhaps she overlooked a few things. Was the name of the birth mom on the ultrasound pictures? We didn't know. Do we have actual proof of pregnancy? Perhaps this is a scam. Fake birth mom talks to social worker, says she is scared we are backing out because we feel like she is lying to us. She wants us to adopt her baby so bad. Finally get on the phone with fake birth mom again. Give her an ultimatum. I need to talk to a nurse right now or her sister needs to come down to the lobby right now. Right now. "I can't reach the nurses button", she says. Oh, my mom is here. Perfect, please let me talk to her. Different voice this time. Totally different. I plead with her to help us. From what birth mom told us, she wasn't on board so perhaps she would not tell us where birth mom is. "Please meet us down in the lobby. "
"Where did she tell you she was at?" Mom asks.
"At the hospital with the baby," I say
Mom replies, "she is at home. What has she been telling you? What is going on?"
Me, "She said she went in to have the baby."
Mom, "No she is not having a baby."
Me, "is she even pregnant?"
Mom, "No. She is a very sick girl. She has serious mental problems. She made this all up."
Wow. Such detailed stories of a baby, such real stories of what the baby was doing and how it felt inside. Such detailed situations of what she was going through. Seriously, she had to research this like crazy. There has to be a book or something online she is getting this from. Amazing. People are amazing.
Despite this crazy situation and this crazy day, we are not in a deep dark hole. We are over adoption, but we know people are generally good. We wish we could go give all the people a hug that helped us yesterday. I had random hugs from strangers who saw what was happening. They cried with us, had concern and care for what we were going through. For this one sick person there was 10-15 amazing people who bent over backward to help us and show us compassion and love.
In the past year we have had three girls who have chosen us to be the family for their baby. Three times we have dreamed of a little girl who is coming into our family. Twice minds were either never really made up or minds were changed. It hurt. This one, we were totally played. Totally.
One of the things that is so frustrating with having gone through these three experiences (especially with them so close together) is that we've been embarrassed by having announced our family growing by one more with the most pure and naïve faith that it was going to occur. We've announced to employers, friends and family that we are going to or actually do take off time from work to have this addition come in to our home in mere hours, days or weeks just to find out that we were mere pawns by mal-intended and sick people. Upon finding out what others are doing we feel completely embarrassed that we didn't think to ask this or that and/or that we placed so much faith in those that we felt should have known better (such as the social worker). In short we can't help but feel that WE (due to our being ignorant and naïve) have caused you all to go through something that you didn't need. The boy who cried wolf is all that comes to mind when we think about how you must feel and your trust in us. We simply feel like we have time and again let mud be placed on our and your faces. That is hard for us to think because we love you all so much and respect and admire you. We apologize if that has been the case. It simply is such an emotional thing when someone tells you that they feel that you are the perfect family to raise their child. You feel such a responsibility to not do something to upset them for fear that your spouse and children are denied the blessing of the child coming in to your home. You simply do all you cannot to ask questions or give impressions to the birth parent that you don't trust them or that you're crazy. You fear being the reason that they're unwilling to place in your family. I think it makes you unwilling to ask the hard questions that need to be asked. Just imagine trying to live with that. You, your family and close friends all conjure up hopes and dreams for this huge blessing to come in to your lives and for the opportunity to rear, raise and love this child. You fear that YOU might be the reason that all that might be lost. The chance at that great blessing is lost due to you. YOUR actions ruined it for you and your family by simply pressing too hard or appearing untrusting or crazy. It is unnerving to even think about and creates an enormous amount of pressure. It is something you would live with your whole life. We love you all for your love, prayers and patience with us, and these situations. I can certainly say that we have tried our best to guard against it but simply have been out-foxed each time. We sincerely pray that you haven't lost trust in us. We ask that you not think about our family for adoption as we have been blessed with two tremendous little boys that we love. We are no longer willing to put them, you or ourselves through this again. We ask that you respect our decision and not ask about our future intentions with children. We are no longer going to waste time trying to build our family but rather invest in the family that we've been blessed to have. "
I have never in my life been so upset, frustrated, and heartbroken. First of all, what an AMAZING family with such great faith that was put through such a HORRIBLE ordeal. I want them to know that my heart goes out to them. NO ONE has more respect and love for an adoptive family than myself...and other TRUE birth moms who know and understand what adoption is really all about!!!!
To ADM in Bishopville, SC. I am glad for your sake that this is just a blog post and that we are not meeting in person! I understand that people have sickness and that mental illness can be very severe but AS A REAL birth mom who has been through so much pain, joy, change....I am UPSET and disappointed and ashamed for you! I have never heard of anything so horrific in my life and you are a disgrace to those of us that are proud to call themselves birth mothers! It is my prayer that you truly get the help that you need so that you can NEVER hurt another family like this again!!!! I pray that your family can be a support to you to help protect others.
To ALL birth mothers or POTENTIAL birth moms out there! Let me just say this....BIB is set up to help you and support you in any way that we can, but WE NEVER have nor will we EVER tolorate ANY disrespect to an adoptive family! They are our saving Grace! They are the reason that we are able to move on with our lives....THEY are cleaning up our mistakes...they are opening up their home, families ...TURNING their lives upside down for US and for our BABY!!!!....don't mess with a family like that...if you aren't sure if you want to place for adoption PLEASE do NOT get the hopes up of a family...you have no idea how much you are effecting these lives and it is NOT YOUR RIGHT! Don't change your mind, don't lead them on, don't make up fake babies....if you are not sure don't mess with people...make up your mind before getting people excited...before changing lives forever!!!
To all the adoptive families out there! I read every day about horrible experiences and heartbreaking times that you all go through. I know what you do to turn your lives upside down for us to prepare to bring a baby into your home! I pray that you know that not ALL birth moms are like that. Myself and so many others have blessed so many homes and have done our job to deliver the baby to a loving home and have moved on. I pray for all of you often and hope that you understand that we LOVE you and RESPECT you more than you know!!!!
Again, our thoughts and prayers go out to this amazing adoptive family....we love you so much and will help in any way that we can!!!!
Posts
This is so disturbing and sad! Unbelievable.
ReplyDeletewow...this is incredible that someone could do that... my wifes and my heart go out for the family that went through this. We are trying to adopt currently and could not imagine what we would do if it happened to us. Keep your head up. You will be in our prayers!
ReplyDeleteSuch a sad story. Having gone through two failed adoptions ourselves, my heart goes out to them. I thought your response we very good. Thanks for posting.
ReplyDeleteI think that adoption scamming is absolutely abominable, and I feel sick for this poor family. It's always felt grossly unfair to me that an adoptive couple has to be so vulnerable and open in an attempt to grow their family. I hope this family is able to find the support and healing that they need.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm bothered that you describe adoptive families as the ones who "clean up our mistakes" as birth moms. My baby was not a mistake to be cleaned up. I didn't place her so that I could move on with my life. Her family didn't turn their life upside down for me. The child I placed with them was an answer to prayer, not an inconvenience.