Walking in Darkness

I have shared my story about my adoption process many times but I have never opened up a lot about everything that happened after and the life that I was living before I found peace. I have had a lot of emails from birth moms talking about their pain and heartache, their bad days and their anger, their guilt and the darkness. Because all of you are being so open and brave about sharing your stories with me, I have decided to share some stories with you. I am warning you right now that they are very sad and do not make me happy and I am NOT proud of the things that I did...they haunt me even now...I hope that you will not see judgement but that you will see hope and faith and love and progress and hard work and love.

I wish that I could say that after I placed my baby for adoption that my life was changed...that I became an amazing person and was out to rock the world and that my amazing organization got started and every thing was good again...I wish I could say that...

In the early spring of 2007, almost a year after I placed my son for adoption I was drinking heavily, still fighting back and forth with the birth father, living alone and trying to be independent, living with so much pain and guilt with no one around to talk about what I was going through and the place that I was in. There were several men around me that were horrible for me to be around...but even the negative attention was attention and I was in such a dark place. These men were much younger than me but became the group that I would drink with often. It was a Friday in February, and I was meeting some of these individuals for lunch at a bar we would frequent. It was 1:00pm. After a few pitchers of beer I was invited to go back their house and hang out...I called work and told them that I was not going to be returning and I followed them to the house. It was now about 2:30. We were drinking, taking shots, smoking and drinking some more. I decided that I didn't want to be there any more...of course none of the individuals at the house paid much attention. I grabbed my keys and walked out of the house. That was the last thing that I remember. I woke up handcuffed to a hospital bed in Salt Lake City with a cast on one arm. They were treating me for severe air bag burns across my other arm and face, head injury from hitting the door window and for the severe amount of alcohol that was in my blood. Without knowing what happened I was taken to jail, I was booked and was in the orange jumpsuit within 2 hours of leaving the hospital...I didn't even know what city I was in. I didn't know what to do, who to call, how to get help. I was trapped, locked up and hung over...I tried and tried and tried to think about what happened and nothing....

Even now, 4 years later I don't know what happened that day. The Birth Father actually drove down from Idaho through the night, got me out of jail and stayed with me for a few days to make sure that I was ok. We went to get my car from the impound the next morning. When I saw my car I knelt right there in the gravel parking lot and threw up over and over. My car was destroyed and I had wrecked another car and put a woman in the hospital from bulldozing through a red light.

I am sorry...................................................................................................................I am sitting here in tears......................................................................this is so hard for me to talk about...........................................................................................................................I am so ashamed...........................................................................I still have severe flash backs and panic attacks when I get in my car to drive.....................................................I have never been in such a dark place and it scared me.................................................................................................................

I want you all to know that you are NOT ALONE...I thought I was alone and that the only people that loved me and that would accept me brought me such damage to my soul and to others around me.....................................THAT IS WHY WE ARE HERE DOING WHAT WE ARE DOING!!

YOU NEVER HAVE TO SURVIVE WHAT I HAD TO SURVIVE.....you can find great peace and love and hope and faith in your choice to place your baby for adoption....Don't let it consume you...don't associate with those that are not encouraging you, that don't love you, that don't inspire you, that don't protect you................

We are here, there are many others here! I made a lot of mistakes and I thought that I had to deal with my issues alone, that I could just stuff them away and move on...I was wrong and it almost cost me my life!!!

It is my prayer that you will feel loved here, feel support here, feel compassion and understanding here, that you will find HOPE and a future here!

I am alive....I was saved....I was given another chance when I didn't deserve one....I am here because of that beautiful gift of forgiveness....I am so blessed to have you all here with me...to help me through my struggles...because GOD knows that I have them...every single day!!!

We are in this together....we are here to lift, love, motivate, support, encourage and to walk side by side in the light!!!!!

I love you all!!!