Remembering Derek, his family and where we are now!

November is National Adoption Month so naturally my mind is occupied with thoughts of Derek, but even more so this year because of the time that I just spent in Tucson with Kristina and her family. Watching everything that happened was SO much harder for me than I had ever imagined. I was not prepared for the sadness that I would be feeling in watching Kristina go through her pain!

I can't help but to think about Derek. I don't even know Derek now, which is ok...the only memory I have of Derek is my time with him while I was pregnant and while I was in the hospital. I wonder so many things...what does he like to eat, what are his favorite toys, is he like me? I wonder about that a lot. Does he do anything that is like me? I think about his family. They are such incredible people and have been so open and willing to share whatever information that I want. I just don't want to bother them, or disrupt the life that they are building with our son.

I have a son, a son that will be 5 years old in April! It is so strange to be..as I sit here with my 8 month old daughter and think...this really isn't my first child. I have given birth to two children, I am the mother of two, I have given life to a boy and a girl...but I am the mom to only one.

I love Derek very, very much and that is why he is with his mom. I wanted more for him. I wasn't 16 when I got pregnant, I didn't get raped, I know who the birth father is....I was just someone who was in a relationship for several years and we got pregnant..and then we broke up. I was 26, I had my own apartment, I had a job, I could have taken care of him...I think I am a pretty good mom now...but it would NOT have been fair to him!!!! I was selfish, I wanted the possibility of a different life for myself and a better life for him. I loved him. I still love him, but it is different now, I don't have to love him the same way that I love my daughter. I am forever connected to him and pray for him and think of him but I don't have to offer a mother's love, I did that when I placed him for adoption, that is her job now.

I am so grateful to adoptive families. They are so amazing. They treat birth moms like they are angels...like they are giving the greatest gift and that they will never be able to repay us but I have to say that the REAL hero in the story is not me, it is the adoptive family...they are the ones flying in with their shiny cape and rescuing the baby from total destruction. They gave me a life and Derek THE LIFE that I couldn't...what is more heroic than that? The birth mom just has to be brave enough and have enough love and be a big tough girl for a short period of time....the adoptive family has to be big and tough every day for that baby!!! I can never repay the lives that they have given willingly!

I love you Derek, Lana, Russ, Audrey, and Sierra....I love you every day. I love my daughter and my husband, I know that I have that family because you were willing to take my son. I love all the birth moms that are brave enough to have a better life and give a better life...I love all of those who GET IT and support it!!

If you know a birth mom or an adoptive family give them a hug all month!! I promise you....WE NEED IT!!!!!!!

Happy National Adoption Month!