Coming Home...Alone

I have had several girls that are about to give birth ask me about my experience leaving the hospital. I don't talk about this very much because it was by far the most painful part of the process for me. But, they have asked because they are scared and want to be prepared so I am going to share a little bit about my last day in the hospital...the rest you will have to catch in my book "Big, Tough Girl"....

A little background...before you have your baby your caseworker should go over all the paperwork with you, if they haven't yet, ASK THEM TO!!! I promise that once you are in the hospital and dealing with so many things around you, you are NOT going to be able to focus on what she is saying to you...So, they should go over them with you when you are lucid, semi-calm, and focused. It really helped me! We were able to go over them paragraph by paragraph. I asked a million questions, broke things down, stopped her when I didn't understand and was explained to in detail what it was that I was signing when I turned over my parental rights to my child. WOW! What a load...what a concept! It is crazy because I look at my daughter now who is 8 months and don't know how in the hell I made it through, giving up a child, without DYING...but you DO!! YOU DO MAKE IT THROUGH!! And that is the MIRACLE!!!!

I had invited the adoptive family to join me in the hospital for the birth. I needed to disengage myself as soon as that baby was born, I needed to be able to pass him along to the loving arms of his mother....or I never would have been able to let him go! I was very glad that they were there, but it was a difficult experience. They were all SO HAPPY, and they are an incredible family!!!...I couldn't have picked a better family for Derek, but I was dying inside and it was so hard....I never wanted them to leave but I couldn't stand having them there...my case worker was so wonderful and on my side every step of the way..."Do you want me to kick everyone out? I am going to kick everyone out!" she kept saying to me....she was all about being the bad guy for me! I wanted the adoptive mother to spend as much time with Derek as possible...she spent time in the Nursery, she fed him, she snuggled with him and changed him...but in the evenings, when everyone went home...Derek slept with me in my bed, in my arms!

I prayed for him and to him, I begged for forgiveness, I prayed for strength and understanding, I cried over him, I kissed him and loved him, I looked to him for guidance, I never wanted the mornings to come......

On day 3, the last day at the hospital, all of Derek's "new family" was there to bring him home!! They had gifts and balloons and smiles and laughter...I had death and regret and hatred and sadness, a sadness that swallowed me whole. My mother, father and myself asked for a few minutes alone with Derek before we signed the paperwork, then the case worker and the nurse-witness came and stood around my bed....she read the same paperwork that we had been over in great detail just weeks before and it sounded like it was in a foreign language...I cried, and cried and the nurse cried and my parents cried and I cried some more...as my tears covered the paperwork I signed the bottom of about 20 pages....I am sure my name is very illegible on the bottom of those pages. They left giving us some time to regroup and gather my things for discharge....I was empty...I felt nothing for those few moments...and then as we walked down the hall and turned the corner....there they were, the whole new family, celebrating, smiling, laughing....I hated them! At that moment, I was bitter and hated them....My dad, my hero, found an exit very quickly, he knew that I would NOT be able to talk to them, thank them, love them....I remember seeing a few of their faces, sympathy and compassion in their eyes...it meant nothing to me...

As we rounded the corner and were on the way out the door, my dad said "I feel like I am leaving my Grandson's funeral"...that was it, he had to literally carry me to his car after that, through the parking lot......I just couldn't stand any more!

I didn't say much for several days...I spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts, my sadness, my guilt, my anger, my love, my gratitude....

.........AND THEN, I got up, got dressed and started to heal....started to move forward....started to figure out who this new Ashley was, this person that will forever be a Birth Mom, this person that will have forever given the greatest gift that could ever be given.....a child, a life, an eternal addition to a family...

I love you birth moms!! For those who are about to give birth, be strong, be prepared, be sad, be happy, be whatever you need to be.....but know YOU ARE LOVED and you ARE THE MIRACLE........