My life has been nothing short of a very extreme, loopy, up and down roller coaster ride. Over the past six years I have battled with substance abuse, an abusive husband, divorce, single parenting my wonderful 3 year old son Kade Barclay Koutz, the adoption of my beautiful little girl Azlyn Kate McEnaney (born 1/16/09), and also the adoption of my baby boy Liam James McEnaney (born 10/19/10).
My son Kade was born 3/29/07, he was 2 months early and weighed 4lbs 13oz. All anyone talked to me about was adoption. To tell you the truth I did not want to hear anything about it. When I held Kade for the first time, I promised him that no mater what I would do whatever it took to take the best care of him that I could, and be the best Mommy to him as possible. I went through my first pregnancy completely alone. Not even my husband at my side. I delivered him completely alone with only my friend Tawna to offer me support. My family did not support my choice in keeping him, so they were not around. My family eventually came around, but did not drop the possibility of placing him until the age of 3.5. (don't think my family is awful. They are wonderful, they just knew what was better for me than I did at the time.)
My husband was finally back in the picture. He seemed to be a better person then before, so we tried being "us" again. I got pregnant with our daughter quickly. I began pre-term labor at 24 weeks and had do be hospitalised and put on magnesium to stop Azlyn from coming. Then I was sent home with lots of labor stopping medications and on strict bed rest, with 3 Doctors appointments a week. My Mom, had to move in with me to help take care of Kade and myself until I delivered her.
At 6 months, Charlie flipped a switch inside of himself and became abusive once again. This time while I was pregnant with his daughter. The next day I filed for divorce, and a few days after that had this overwhelming feeling that I should place Azlyn for adoption. (Not one person had mentioned adoption my entire pregnancy.) It was around midnight when I reached the decision
to place her. I called my sister Merri right away, and asked her to contact her friend Dara who used to work with her here in AZ in Labor and Delivery. (Merri mentioned Dara to me often when I was pregnant with Kade, telling me I should consider them to adopt him.)
I knew that if I called my entire family in my moment of clarity, than I would actually go through with it. My sister contacted Dara a few days later to ask her if they were interested in adoption, since they had been trying for years to have a baby with no success. They were not certified to adopt, but hurried to start and complete the process. It was so ironic... They already had airplane tickets to fly from Utah to Arizona a few days later, to visit their family that lives here. We got to meet, and I knew instantly that they were meant to be her parents. I fought it, and did not like the answers I kept receiving, but I followed through with them. It honestly was so comfortable with them, like I have always known them.
In one month exactly from the day they got the call from my sister, they were certified to adopt. and boy was it a good thing. It was January 15th, the day they certified, my Husbands birthday, and 4 weeks until my due date. Wouldn't you know I go into labor. I refused to push and have her on his birthday. I was so relieved when I had her January 16th. It went beautifully. Dara and Jim arrived shortly after she was born, and we spent most of the time in the hospital together.
It was time to leave the hospital, and I completely fell apart. (FYI any mom's about to place... I did not sleep for 7 days strait after delivering her.) I was completely out of it. We did not leave the hospital together, but we were in close contact, and I got to see them a few times before they headed back home.
Well time went by, and I really never recovered from the pain of my divorce, nor the placement of Azlyn. I just felt empty. I thought I could do all of this myself, no counseling, and no talking about it. I pulled away from everyone. 13 months after Azlyn was born I found myself pregnant again, this time with a little boy. I was lonely, did not have the spirit with me and really wanted to Keep him. At 20 weeks, I was restless and stressed. I had told my entire family about the pregnancy, however I had not told Dara and Jim (my adoptive couple). I still did not know if I was going to parent or place. I was more nervous to tell Dara about this pregnancy than anyone in the world. I did not want to hurt her, or disappoint her. I finally got the nerve up to call her, with ALL of my sisters cheering me on in the background (at Amazing Jake's of all places, a kids play world). They all reassure me that Dara would not hate me. So I did it, I called her and burst into tears. I told her I just wanted her to know the circumstances... That I was not sure about placement yet, but I asked her to pray about like I was, and discuss it with Jim to see if it was even a possibility. She told me how much she loved me, and that no matter what I chose she would not be disappointed or hate me. Whew... I had done the hardest part so far!
Wouldn't ya know it. Dara and Azlyn had plans to come to Arizona again, before I had even told them. So they immediately were down here again just like when I met them for the first time to discuss them adopting Azlyn. I had no clue if her and Jim were even considering adopting again, or if they were even willing to adopt this baby from me. We just sat and talked for hours, and visited just like we always did. We never really even talked about me being pregnant. Then at the very end I quietly asked her if they even wanted a second child, and so soon. She responded that they had discussed it, and if I wanted to place him, they would love to be his parents. I had no intentions of giving her an answer during this visit, because I had not thought about placing him or keeping him much at all. I burst into tears, and said he is meant to be with you, Jim, and Azlyn. If I don't ask you now to adopt him, I know I never will. I was sobbing, and Dara and my sister Merri both just held me. We talked for hours after that too, while I cried almost the entire time. (I also had no idea her family was waiting out in the driveway for the 2 or 3 hours we were talking about this part.) I asked Dara if they had thought of any names, and she told me they had picked Liam James, which made my heart start doing flips.... A few days before, I had named him, and he was going to be Linken John. He is still an LJ. I love it!!!
I began pre-term labor with Liam at 23 weeks, but only had to be on modified bed rest. With numerous trips to triage to get shots of terb. to slow my contractions. Dara came down a few weeks early this time to be here for the delivery (with my track record we had no idea when to expect Liam's arrival). Three weeks before my due date of November 5th he was born. Oct. 19,2010 weighing 6lbs 14oz. He was perfect! Dara was not only in the delivery room, but my doctor allowed her to deliver Liam herself. It was amazing having Dara lay Liam on my chest!
This time when leaving the hospital we kept it low key. Dara, Liam, and I all left together and went to my sisters house and spent the entire day together (visiting, talking, playing with all of our kids, and eating Thai food). We had numerous slumber parties where Dara allowed me to have Liam with me all night each time. It was so nice, and I would not change the way we did any of it. My son Kade knows Azlyn and Liam as his brother and sister, and they all love being around each other. We talk on the phone often, have visits often, and Skype also. They also send me monthly updates of the kids with tons of pictures. They have become a part of my family.
Dara and I have never been threatened by each other because we both know our rolls with these beautiful angel babies. We have mutual love for each other and these children, which is all a part of why we can be so close. It's all about communication and respect! There is a quote I love: "He is mine in a way that he will never be hers, yet he is hers in a way that he will never be mine, and so together, we are motherhood." ~desha wood
My life is finally on the right track. I am going through the temple for my first time March 26,2011 and this time will also get to be inside the temple with Dara, Jim, Azlyn, and Liam watching him get sealed to his family for time and all eternity. Just one of the many reasons I placed Azlyn and Liam in the first place.
I have never regretted my decision to place Azlyn and Liam. It was not always easy, but it has always been worth it. Now I am also able to keep that promise I made to Kade the first time I held him, that I would always do my best to take care of him the way he deserves. Azlyn and Liam have the most wonderful parents I have ever met, and I am proud that I have lived in such a way that I got them to where they belong. I am sure we all knew up in heaven what the plans were going to be, and I know I agreed to get them to their family. They made it! I have faith that one day Kade and I will have that too.
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Dear Ashley,
I got my Big Tough Girl T-Shirt! I needed it. It was a reminder that I CAN DO THIS and that I AM A TOUGH GIRL! Thank you and thank you to all the members of Blessings in a Basket! There is not a day that doesn't go by when I don't think of my daughter and the decision I made. . .The basket you gave me is a reminder of the support you have for me and I love you for that. Whenever I wear my Big Tough Girl shirt people ask me what that means and I tell them the experience that I had with placing my daughter up for adoption and Blessings in a Basket blog. I have so much love for you.
Love,
Kristina
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My beautiful baby girl MayLynn Chaylea! She was born on December 8, 2010 at 6 pm. She was 6 pounds, 11 ounces, and 21 inches. Simply perfect! I love her so much! I was in labor for 38 hours, but she was worth it all. Jared and Rachel had to hurry to get down here, but they were able to spend all day with me on Wednesday the day she was born. My sister Tracea, Rachel, and MayLynn's birth father Jordan were all in the room when I had her. Really she is just absolutely perfect! It was the most amazing experience ever. I took her home with me that following Friday. The days that I had her have been the most amazing days of my life. It's crazy how much I love I have for this sweet, innocent, beautiful baby girl. I signed the adoption papers on Saturday at 8:30. By far the hardest decision I will ever have to make in my life. I cried the whole entire time. But I was happy at the same time! I know how much love she will have in her life. Knowing that she is happy makes me the happiest person in the world. I'm proud to be a birth mom! Rachel, being the awesome person that she is, spent the night with me on Saturday so that I could have one last night with MayLynn. That meant the world to me! I was able to see her everyday while she was still down here. They had to go home though eventually. She left on December 15 to go back to California. I miss her so much. She is one of the biggest parts of my life, and always will be! Looking at all the pictures I have of her definitely makes my days so much better. I miss her a ton, and a cry a lot. But I know that she's happy, and that this was the choice I was suppose to make! I love you MayLynn Chaylea! You will always be in my heart and in my thoughts!!! I'm really excited to get to see her in January too!! It's so nice having an open adoption, because I know that I'm welcome to come visit :) My adoptive family is family to me! I love the bond that I have with them!
Justina Lynn Elkins
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Ashley,
I got my basket today and I LOVE IT! The moment I opened it, it seemed like it was made especially for my personality. The colors and designs were perfect, especially the watch. It has daisies on it and daisies have been my favorite flower my entire life. It really made me feel unique and special and I just wanted to e-mail you as soon as I got it and say "Thank you thank you thank you". You guys are awesome, I love you all for this, it really brightened my spirits today. Everything in the basket was wonderful and I really enjoyed seeing the BofM in there with everything. The case it is in and the size it perfect to take it with me wherever I want and stil be able to read it in any environment without quizzical looks- which I have a hard time with sometimes.
Thank you again, so much. Tell all your team that helped you with this that I appreciate everything they have done for me, and the basket was absolutely perfect! I love you all.
Tori
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My name is Victoria Alvarado and I am currently 38 weeks pregnant, 19 years old, married, and have made the decision to put my baby boy up for adoption. This is my story concerning how I got to this place in my life and the support I’ve received from those who love me and Blessings in a Basket. The story really begins many years ago with the onset of the strange relationship I had with the birth father. Something about the “connection” I thought I had with him during my freshman and sophomore years of high school were always unsettling with friends and many members of my family. Those who were the most concerned about me were quite relieved when he was moved because of current situations in his life. Right before my senior year I re-met up with my future husband after a six year gap. We dated for eleven months and were married shortly after my high school graduation in May. We were happy (of course), clearly still living life in the honeymoon stage of our marriage up until he deployed to Iraq in October of 2009. I had started college that August at Utah Valley University and had made the game plan before he left to stay as busy as possible with homework and rely on my family, friends, and husband for all the emotional support that I required. Everything was going as planned. School was a great distraction to being alone, I was making excellent grades, meeting new people, and for the first time in years getting along with my parents (who when my husband deployed I moved back in with). Then at around the time I began my second semester at college I ran into the birth father, whom I hadn’t seen in three years and at that point my entire world seemed to change. A mutual friend of mine and the birth father’s from our past was the one who exchanged our numbers, and from that moment on I began to forget who I was and what I stood for, and quite frankly who I truly and deeply loved; my husband and my parents. I believe that without that cell phone contact between myself and the birth father things would have been completely different. The more I began to talk to him the more I began to think that he was the “right” guy for me and the more he seemed to convince me that my husband wasn’t taking care of me the way that he should have been. The relationship then became stronger and continued for the next few months, and then in April of 2010 I found out that I was pregnant. My husband was the first person that I told I was expecting a child, and shortly after that we began to make arrangements for a divorce. It wasn’t until the end of June of 2010 that my husband came to me and asked me to stay with him and told me that he was willing to forgive me and raise the baby I was carrying as if it was his own. At that point (after still many trials) we were able to reconnect under the same love that had brought us together almost two years ago. With the intervention of my parents, siblings, and husband the birth father was moved to a different city to receive more help for experiences from his past. With him out of the picture and me being able to think and see clearly without input from him or his family, I was able to see and understand the entirety of my situation, the severity of the direction my life was heading had I not stayed with my husband, and the number of people who were truly worried about my safety and who loved and support me and always would even though I had made several decisions that hurt them. The decision to place my baby boy up for adoption was not made until my husband returned home from Iraq in September of 2010. We decided to place the baby with a wonderful family whom we both knew and felt could give him everything he deserved and required, and could love him and cherish him without any bias or memories of a darker past.
After we had made the decision to place the baby up for adoption my cousin told me of a woman who had gone through a similar situation; who had given her baby boy up for adoption and had started a blog with many helpful and supporting resources for birth mothers. That is how I came to know about Blessings in a Basket. I had never been a part of a group of people that loved and cared for girls that didn’t know that are or have been in or a part of an adoption situation before. The instant love and support I felt from Ashley even the first time I spoke with her was a positive and reassuring feeling that I will get through this. Blessings in a Basket truly has been like the name states; a blessing. The careful though they put into each basket they send to a birth mother is remarkable and priceless. Every birth mother and her story is unique and important, and the love you receive from the staff is real, sincere, and available whenever it is needed. The family to whom we have chose to put so much faith and trust in to raise this precious little boy has proven countless times over that this is the home he was intended for. There have been several small miracles in my life and in the adoptive mothers life that have made this adoption feel more like a gift than a burden. I know deep in my hear that these people are my son’s true parents and that their children are the siblings that are going to love and guide him through the rest of his life.
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My name is Kristina Hurd, I am 19 years old and as of 10/2/10 I will be 36 weeks pregnant and will be placing my baby girl up for adoption. This is my story. . .
I had graduated from high school in 2009 with high hopes to play Women’s Basketball for one of the top Community Colleges in the PCAC in California. My path was laid out in front of me and I was determined to make the most of it so that one day I would play at the Division One Level. As the season went on I decided to red shirt (just practiced, not playing in games) my freshmen year. I still had a lot I needed to work on and this was a chance for me to polish my game. With our season ending, we were Conference Champs for the third time in a row and would make it to the playoffs only to loose at the last second by three. In my head I screamed “Yes!” You may ask why I would have that reaction to watching my team loose but no one knew that I was 3-4 weeks pregnant and already having the symptoms of the early stages of pregnancy. If we would have won, 2 more weeks of practice would have been scheduled and I knew my body wouldn’t be able to take it well. I had already the week before skipped my classes in the morning just to go to practice at noon and on top of that I was depressed about the decision I was going to make. The night I told my mother I was pregnant was a Thursday at 1:00 in the morning. I was scared to death. My mom is a strong LDS Christian woman and not knowing what she would think when I told her affected me emotionally but somehow I forced the words out of my mouth. As soon as I got off the phone with her she immediately woke up my little sister Anna and made the 7 ½ hour drive to California through the night. The next morning I went to see my mother. I had in my head already made the decision to get an abortion. Nothing was going to change it. I got called heartless from my older sister and lectured from the Mormon side of the family the entire week all the way up to the day of my abortion appointment. I was never the “goody two shoes” that went to church without a fuss, obeyed my parents, read the scriptures or prayed often but I did always believe in God and that things did happen for a reason. I pushed all my beliefs aside because that’s what I thought I had to do to make this decision and move on. The night before my appointment I was out to dinner with my older sister when I received a phone call from Jessica Holmes. A woman in my ward back in Arizona, whose two little adopted boys I used to babysit a lot. She told me that my mom had called her earlier in the week and that she wanted to share an experience that she had with her 3 year old. Nathan is the youngest out of their two children. He wasn’t feeling good one day and Jessica took him to our house to see my step father who is a Chiropractor. While she was unbuckling his car seat Nathan posed the following statements: “Where is my baby sister?” “We need to find her” “We have to find her mom!” “Where is she?” He threw a huge fit and the only thing that made him calm down was for Jessica to say “Okay, okay we will find her” This happened before Jessica knew that I was pregnant. I immediately broke down in my car and an overwhelming feeling of peace came over me. I knew that I was the answer to their prayers. Their hope for having a baby sister was inside of me and from that moment on I couldn’t go through with the appointment and live with the regret of knowing I could have given the Holmes family a precious gift that they had been praying for from their father in heaven for so long. My pregnancy has been rough throughout the past couple of months. Two months ago I was hospitalized with a Urinary Track Infection that increased to my Kidneys which if it got into the rest of my body could have killed both me and baby. During that horrible experience of being admitted I got to have a second ultrasound just to make sure that baby was doing okay. My scheduled due date was November 14th but the nurses changed it to October 30th after measuring her photos from the ultrasound. Jeff and Jessica Holmes came and visited me and I told them of the changed due date. Jessica and Jeff both looked at each other and grinned because that was Jessica’s birthday. It was just a little friendly reminder that I was on the right path.
I only want what’s best for my little girl and I found that family with the help of my Heavenly Father. From his arms, to my arms, to theirs, I know she will be loved unconditionally.
I was born in 1978 and was given up for adoption, I grew up always knowing I was adopted and always had the intense curiosity to know where I came from. My adoption was completely closed, I knew nothing about my birthparents. I always had the deep questions in my heart...why was I given up for adoption? Did she ever see me? Does she ever think about me? Who do I look like? Just lots of questions kept running through my head constantly, they never went away. When I was 17 I ended up pregnant, I had started the adoption process...I knew that I could not take care of him and the birthfather already said he was not going to be around for the baby and wasn't going to pay either. With my parents we went to the adoption agency and no matter how much I went there the feeling wasn't right. Finally me and my mom were in the bathroom and we looked at each other and said this isn't right. So from there we decided to keep him and they would help me. I raised him for 2 years and the feeling still didn't feel right. We always acted like brother and sister, so I finally asked my parents if they would adopt him. They said yes and from then on we are brother and sister and it feels right. Don't ask me how...but it does. He is almost 15 now and knows I am his birthmother and is ok with it.
My beautiful baby girl MayLynn Chaylea! She was born on December 8, 2010 at 6 pm. She was 6 pounds, 11 ounces, and 21 inches. Simply perfect! I love her so much! I was in labor for 38 hours, but she was worth it all. Jared and Rachel had to hurry to get down here, but they were able to spend all day with me on Wednesday the day she was born. My sister Tracea, Rachel, and MayLynn's birth father Jordan were all in the room when I had her. Really she is just absolutely perfect! It was the most amazing experience ever. I took her home with me that following Friday. The days that I had her have been the most amazing days of my life. It's crazy how much I love I have for this sweet, innocent, beautiful baby girl. I signed the adoption papers on Saturday at 8:30. By far the hardest decision I will ever have to make in my life. I cried the whole entire time. But I was happy at the same time! I know how much love she will have in her life. Knowing that she is happy makes me the happiest person in the world. I'm proud to be a birth mom! Rachel, being the awesome person that she is, spent the night with me on Saturday so that I could have one last night with MayLynn. That meant the world to me! I was able to see her everyday while she was still down here. They had to go home though eventually. She left on December 15 to go back to California. I miss her so much. She is one of the biggest parts of my life, and always will be! Looking at all the pictures I have of her definitely makes my days so much better. I miss her a ton, and a cry a lot. But I know that she's happy, and that this was the choice I was suppose to make! I love you MayLynn Chaylea! You will always be in my heart and in my thoughts!!! I'm really excited to get to see her in January too!! It's so nice having an open adoption, because I know that I'm welcome to come visit :) My adoptive family is family to me! I love the bond that I have with them!
My name is Kristina Hurd, I am 19 years old and as of 10/2/10 I will be 36 weeks pregnant and will be placing my baby girl up for adoption. This is my story. . .
Ashley Mitchell has been on a journey to find herself throughout her entire life, maybe just maybe she has figured it out. Ashley is currently married to her saving Grace, and is absolutely in love with her beautiful daughter Tyler Ann. She is finding herself enjoying the "stay at home mom" life and is totally focused on her family and organization. Her life revolves around her family, including parents, siblings, grandmother and so many others. Her goal of "no empty chairs in heaven" has become a way of life and her Eternal Family will come no matter what the sacrifice.
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